I have always said that I ‘enjoy aging. By that I don’t’ mean it is fun or pleasant, yet there are inner changes that make all of the others aspects of getting older well worth it. I do believe that this life is about how we choose to deal with challenging circumstances. I don’t think it is about being always successful, nor is it about being right or on top of things. I find that some of the experiences that I am having quite painful, as I guess most people do as they move on in years. Yet there is also an inner peace that is deeper, even with all the fusses.
I find that I handle stress differently than when younger. Even five years ago, stress propelled me into action, now that is not the truth. I need to simply sit with the stress and let it settle, knowing that I can’t fix everything, nor do I have the answer either…though in the past I might have thought so. When anxiety rises up, all I can do is let it express itself and it can become my prayer. Our emotions are the fuel that feeds are prayer…all of them.
My trust in God’s love for me is much deeper, even if I don’t feel or even act all that loving towards God or towards others for that matter. It is his grace that leads me through the rough seas that are part of living an interior life. For many people as they age, the reality of the importance of their lives and how they live and relate to others becomes more important. The illusion of having lots of time, is taken away….as trips to the doctors increase, our patience is tested, as well as our being able to be kind towards those who are trying to help us, even if don’t want it…..we learn to allow time to move forward and seek to find peace in the fact that the years will speed by faster each year, and in reality, when our time does come, it will seem like ‘now’, just the next moment in our lives.
As a man of faith, the language of my tradition helps me to deal with this movement in my life. It brings to the fore for me, as I contemplate my life over the past 67 years, how much God was with me in the times when I felt he was absent. Faith or non-faith is a choice and I respect whatever is chosen by my fellow travelers. Yet no matter, we still have to deal with the last few turns on the roller coaster of our lives. As I slowly lessen in vigor, something else becomes stronger in my heart. Warmth that was once absent is now there and my thirst for the living God deepens. It is quite and dance and can’t wait for my 70th birthday in 2019.
Though darkness and light, through confusion and loss you are with me O Lord. The valley of aging can be cold and dark, as well as warm and joyful, but for you O Lord, darkness and light are the same, the Eternal Rock that we can all stand and rest upon.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
