One way that many people deal with their interior life is to try to repress all that would allow growth in self knowledge. The problem with this is that it takes a great deal of energy to do so and can in fact lead to depression, or being compulsively busy. It takes a lot of energy to keep things in….well until we can’t.
One day a woman came to see me. She told me that she was not following any particular path but had a general belief in God. In spite of that, she was not free of scrupulosity. She was aware of a great deal within her soul that caused her pain and anxiety. She always wanted to come across as a woman who was in control and centered. She was successful in her business life, but her social life was a shambles. It was like she was arm wrestling herself.
I started off speaking in bleak tones. She was unaware that she could not really control her inner life in the way that she thinks she could. Nor is she as free as she would like to imagine. When she seemed not to understand what I meant by that statement; I tried another approach. We carry a great deal in our interior that is not seen by others. We can repress it and it will for awhile be silent, or seem so, but it will do its work below our self awareness…though others will be aware of what you are not. Our moods, how we spontaneously react to others and how others relate to us can be dictated by what is hidden in our unconscious. I went on. We are not responsible for what is in our unconscious. However, we grow and become freer when we deal with its content when it forces itself to the surface. As we mature, we do become more responsible however for our actions. This did not make her feel better.
So I spoke of my own journey. I shared some of my own inner struggles with her and how by allowing the content of my inner self to become more conscious it has allowed me to grow in freedom, though it does involve many failures, mistakes and at times out right sinfulness. So she asked me about sin. Well I said, sin is not about neurotic guilt, but it is about facing up to what we have freely done and seek to make amends for it. It is also a call to open up for the mercy of God to enter into my heart. For my receiving mercy, I learn to bestow it on others. I have learned how hard it is to do the right thing all of the time, well actually impossible. So in learning that I have been freed from the burden of demanding that others do what I cannot. Though even then I fail when I become scattered in my everyday life….it is then that I make others carry my own inner fragmentation and darkness.
So she responded in this vein. That she was not a Christian but did believe in God. Start where you are at I responded. Open yourself up to the God of your understanding and go from there, allow growth to happen, try to let go of seeking to control everything and everyone in your life. She then asked how is God a personal God? I always find that a tough question, since the closer God seems to move towards me the more mysterious and other He becomes, even though I feel the presence ever more loving and personal. Even in dark times over the years, slowly ever so slowly, I have come to trust that loving presence.
Well I responded. We are made in the image and likeness of God. I believe that our deepness longings point to the nature of God. I believe that our deepest longing is to be seen and loved totally…..that desire is what compels us to search for that relationship all through our lives and often in the wrong places….yet as St. Augustine says: “Our hearts are restless until they rest in you”. We make the mistake of making God in our own image and likeness instead of allowing God through his love and grace to mold us more fully into His.
How do I do that she asked me. Well, just sit in God’s presence, and pray the way you can. Seek a deeper love and communion and you will find over time that you are changing in ways that you at first never thought possible. Will I become a Christian like you? I laughed and responded, how would I know that my friend. Just pray, seek and knock. When she left she was crying and gave me a quick embrace. I have not seen her since, but pray for her everyday.
She was a beautiful soul, she shone more than she was aware of….one day she will.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
