Failure is not usually a once in a lifetime experience. It is a weight that has to be carried, unpleasant as that may feel. Faces presented to the world often hide an inner world that is filled with chaos, fear and pain. It is not the complete picture of course for any human, for along with the inner suffering there are also aspects that are good, healthy and loving. What amazes me is that many people (not all by any means) are constantly surprised when a peek into the life someone famous is accomplished (most often a religious or political figure) and they find a mere human being and not someone who is somehow above the inward struggle that is the lot of mankind.
It is a paradox, yet I find it often true, when talking with friends, I find that those who consciously try to lead a good life are the ones who are the hardest on themselves. It seems the more deeply the desire to live a life of love and compassion, the deeper the sense ones inability to live it. So the good done is often overlooked because the failures are painted in such garish detail. I am not talking about scrupulosity here, which is something altogether different, based more self centeredness than anything else. Though it is often a stage that has to be gone through on the road to maturity for some, though difficult to overcome, and some never accomplish it and leads to a life of deep inner conflict and suffering.
I can’t think about my life and how to live it apart from my Christian faith. Beliefs, if deep, no matter what they are, dictate the path that is to be followed. Today I feel there is a need for people to delve into whatever path they are on and study and ponder just what it is their beliefs call them to. If that is not done, then all that can be expected is to be pulled one way and then another, and in the end the easiest ‘out’ will be embraced. There is no undemanding path, the way is dark, heavy, often lonely and worst of all…. most often feel misunderstood and discounted. However, once it is realized that this is a common human experience that can’t be helped it makes the experience easier. Also this can lead to the understanding that we do this to each other and it is often unintentional. Communication at best is ‘iffy’ no matter how much actual communication is sort after.
Another paradox; it is the ‘difficult’ path that leads to growth and at least some happiness. While the ‘easy’ one often leads to further chaos and alienation. Not facing problems and dealing with them simply gives birth to more hurting and turmoil. We are not meant to sink, but to swim hard against the currents that wish to drag us under; drowning is not what we are called to. Yet the “death-principle” is powerfully at work in our lives. Just wanting some peace and quiet, or perhaps oblivion from time to time; though our self destructive tendencies point to the unconscious desire for something more permanent. What we fear the most (death) is also what is desired. Some people think belief in an afterlife is always something positive, yet in reality it can be a heavy weight, for in the end we are responsible for what we become, be that good or evil, which in the end are the only two alternatives that are possible, though when that ‘end’ is reached is known only to God. Again, none of us is called to judge. Like St. Paul said in paraphrase, “I can’t even judge myself”.
I am getting old now, my youth far behind me, yet I often feel that I am just at the beginning of my journey, even if I am more aware everyday of the reality of my own mortality and yes my extreme human weakness as well as my strengths. I find that grace uses my weaknesses to touch me the most deeply and it is in those areas that many of my gifts find their roots, though if truth be told, I wish it were otherwise. Yet we can be misled by our strengths as well and often in more destructive ways. It is our wounds that lead to compassion for others, our failures that allow us to develop patience for the foibles of our human brothers and sisters. There is enough armor in the world, hence the often hell like quality of our societies. No, what is needed are truly human hearts, open, vulnerable and embracing of the human condition. Failure, while painful, is our best teacher and is most patient in repeating the lesson, until we learn what is needed to be learned.
I am not a good person, yet I struggle to be ‘that’. Yet in the end all I can do is endeavor to answer that inward call to love others as I do myself. That is the crux, to love myself. Like I said above, we are called to swim not sink and at bottom, even if not known, we do treat others the way we do ourselves. That is why relationships often become a battle ground, the inner struggle being fought with those outside. Self hatred, or self contempt is easy to swallow, but it is in the end poison. Also our (sad to say) religions, as well as our secular societies, can at times only encourage that kind of attitude towards ourselves and yes others.
In order to grow in love, there has to be some ability to stand back and not believe always what one is taught. We breathe our cultures and religions, wear them as clothes, even if much of it is poison to the well being of it citizens. There is much we take for granted today as right and good, which will perhaps in the future be condemned as evil. Ideologies are too closed ended to be of much help. Our histories are filled with movements that have died because of their rigidity and their inability to change and grow with the times. Religions can also die if they become to narrow and try to run away from the movement of history.
I will always fail to live out my commitment as a Christian, for I am still on my journey. So I fall and rise and keep going, not allowing my inner voices to detour me from what I am called to become. I suppose, again, our beliefs will tell each of us what that ‘being called to’ is. For me it is all about Christ Jesus. As a Christian how could it be otherwise? If it were not, then I should find something else to dedicate my life to. The call is ongoing. For of my-self it is impossible to become the loving person Christ calls me to become. So the journey never ends, just failing, learning and getting up. I am called, touched by grace. I am not sure I could ever really, at this time of my life, turn my back on this road, though that is perhaps also a grace. For me each human life, with all of its evil, chaos, failure and pain is enfolded in love and moving towards a destiny that is beyond the mind to conceive. It is getting there that is so hard.
For some life ends at death, others think otherwise. At times, for me, the thought of oblivion is actually a welcome idea for I believe that extreme soul fatigue that comes with simple existing is common; yet I feel called to an ever deeper life and in the end it is all about love and love does not rest.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
