This piece is not about depression or others mental states that need outside medical help, it is about growing in freedom and how difficult that can be at times. It is more about my own path actually than about anyone else.
The human experience is deep and complex and there are simply no easy answers to find out the reason for any of it. Within each person that we see walking down the footpath, or passing in their cars, or the huge crowds we see hurrying around us in the airport; each has a history, which is often tortured and filled with confusion and pain. I don’t know if life is mostly about pain and suffering, but it often seems so. Perhaps it is because pain is writ in such bright colors and anger even more so, while the more gentle emotions and feelings are in quieter tones of contentment, so they can pass unnoticed. Perhaps this is so because we are made for happiness and we take it for granted when it is present. I once read an article, were the contention of the author was that we don’t actually know we are happy until it is taken away; or ripped away perhaps the better utterance.
It is very difficult to despair. To embrace the inner darkness and cold, to come to the conclusion that nothing will ever get better. Coming to the realization that ones inner life will always feel shattered, fragmented beyond repair. Or perhaps the seeming absolute absurdity of our lives overwhelms us, the endless days of doing much the same thing over and over again. Its fleeting nature can also be distressing, as the years pile up and the texture of our daily life changes, as one, by one, we loose family and beloved friends or our health starts to fail. Or perhaps the most telling of all for those who seek to become better persons, is ones inability to change in any deep meaningful way. Yes despair along with the self loathing is a hard thing to embrace.
It is also very difficult to lose ones faith, to face the world alone, letting go of a faith that is childish and based on wishful thinking. As if some kind of contract can be made with life and the universe. The good and bad, or whomever we judge to fit those two categories, suffer the same “outrages fortunes” of life. So yes to come to the realization that there is no arbiter that we can turn to for protection is truly a bitter pill to swallow that often comes with a loss of faith in the God of ones childhood.
Yet, perhaps the most difficult road of all, one that is taken more often than is realized, is to not listen to the inner voices that ‘seem’ to point out the obvious. To let go of ones faith in the truth of ones feelings and emotions in the dark times, to swim against the current and to simply place one foot in front of the other and perhaps to just make it through the day. To make a conscious choice to not allow one-self to put on the cold coat of despair and in the darkness to know that there is light, even if not seen or perceived or felt. The inner voices just because they are loud and demand to be believed, well they don’t have to be at all. Yes that can be the most difficult thing of all.
The same goes for faith. God is not a warm fuzzy security blanket that keeps one warm on cold nights and that perhaps is what leads to the loss of faith; when the deep suffering of life and all its entrails pile up and never seem to cease. Yet some people do not loose their faith while others do. Each path is difficult and wearisome, because that is just life. To let go of faith can be an act of courage because the old images of God don’t work anymore and it is best to let them go. For any image of God, which is based on human experience may be good for a while, but in the end must be destroyed. I suppose one question that needs to be asked, if one grew up in a tradition where God is seen as personal is “what is the nature of infinite love” if it exist at all? I would imagine it would be something more than human love and could be experienced even as cruel. In the Christian tradition the sufferings of Christ can help one on this difficult road of seeking understanding. Other traditions have other ways of dealing with the incongruity of life,
but it takes study, pondering and yes praying; for often the clouds are dark and close to the ground and the fog is thick and it is hard to see and understand. Yet, it is in this wrestling match that we perhaps find God. “My God my God, why have you forsaken me” is an emotions and feeling that most humans can relate to. Those who can’t, well they just need to wait for awhile and they will come to an understanding of the above exclamation in all its depth, confusion and pain.
Faith and despair are hard roads, belief and atheism are also difficult paths to follow, if and ever deeper understand of the human situation is contemplated and the thoughts of others sought after. Not to do so is to fall into rigidity and it can be easily seen today in how atheist and believers can fall into two camps, both yelling simplistic slogans over the fence at one another. It is easy to show contempt towards another, much harder to listen and seek understanding. For again each heart is a deep mystery whose depths seem to be bottomless. I have never really ‘got it’ and perhaps never will. For in no way do I live up to my ideals. I fall more than seven times a day, but despair is not something I will ever give in to; and my faith (?), well I also choose in the midst of doubt to believe and grow in understanding. Again, there is no escape from life no matter what road one chooses to walk. Not to choose is perhaps the worst thing of all, for in that we give up a precious human capacity and when that is made, it may be the most wearisome road of all.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
