A friend and I were talking, both about the same age, he 60, I 62, he was voicing his frustration on how he is stuck in certain ways; a man who seeks God, yet unable to move beyond a certain inner barrier, compulsion or sin, well I am not the judge of that. As he spoke I had a sense that here was a good man, who for a time (for I am sure that liberation will come), feels trapped in an endless of cycle of doing things, or trying to escape some pain that does not work. He feels ‘not at home’, perhaps lost in some cold inner place, where taking root does not seem possible.
As I listened, I understood, for I am much the same, this inner cold or fragmentation, some would call it chaos, at times seems to arise from the inner depths and then grabs me by the neck shaking me as if I was a puppy in the jaws of a large predator. I also have gone the path of trying endlessly to escape this inner ‘nothingness’ and always fail if I seek to run from ‘the within’. Perhaps it is despair that causes this inner experience of ruin and emptiness, of wounds still hidden, or if known, still they operated often without any real resistance, for the road that will heal is a painful one. Perhaps the pain that one knows, no matter how distressing, is better than dealing within ‘the inner depths’ and what is needed to overcome the ‘cycle’. Perhaps we each have them, I don’t know, for how can anyone speak for another; our uniqueness just enough to make us strangers to one another at times and also companions who can talk, share and perhaps find some inner healing in the knowledge that we are not alone.
Cycles can be broken by simply stopping; sitting, reflecting and enduring what must be faced. Prayer for me can be many things. Yet to sit in silence before Ultimate Reality, simply waiting, not running will eventually bring a feeling of coming home, though it is a process that must be gone through many times, with failures to do so also part of the process. The soul leans towards healing and at the same time the ‘Thanatos’ principle’ moves towards destruction and alienation. It takes dissipation for the Thanatos principle to take control, which seems very easy to do, even if the fruit of this path is bitter and filled with poison. On the other hand, discipline and a dropping of self- concern must grow, no matter how slowly, for the soul to heal…..a true death in fact to a way of being that is larger and more expansive.
A play between finding home and the cold inner landscape is the dance that many go through, I do, which is a necessary part of our journey through life, a slow growth in grace that will come to fruition as the years go by. Inside-out is how grace seems to work; below awareness, then one day without noticing, a wall is gone that was once there, like taking one breath and then another, it can be experienced in such quiet simplicity. It is not losing hope, praying in trust (another hurdle for many), and coming to the understanding that fear is useless, is what humility is all about. A courageous stance towards life amidst struggle, weakness and failure, yes hope is a powerful force on anyone’s path.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
