You see Lord my struggle,
sometimes I think I am drowning,
I pray for a loving heart,
yet so much violence,
hatred,
the desire to hurt dwells within.
Why do I want to lash out beloved?
Am I really so evil,
shattered within;
will I go under,
devoured by my own inner
hungry and rapacious
demons,
hungry for the pain of others,
for the release of suffering
onto others?
O Jesus,
when you were scourged,
it was my rage that did it,
the whip I could have used
on your body,
venting my rage on your
innocent and holy flesh.
Love and hatred meet,
revenge faces forgiveness,
open arms of your love
meet my closed fisted fear,
primordial pain
so deep that I can not dive
deep enough to find it,
yet it finds me,
in my fantasies,
in my anger,
my fear and anxious concern.
An inner dragon
ripping my soul;
eating up my thoughts,
seeking consummation
of hatreds longing for release;
will it never end?
Yet, it is only your love Jesus
that can release and heal me,
my soul feels like at times
the food of demons,
raging spirits
seeking expression through me;
beloved,
how is it that you love one such as me?
My heart such as it is,
O Lord,
I open to your gaze,
allowing the fire of your love
to engulf the inferno of my inner hell,
that only your can free me from,.
Jesus Christ,
Son of the living God,
have mercy on me a sinner.
I pray for all so consumed,
my brothers and sisters
though out this world,
I lift them up to your heart O Lord,
your heart is one,
not lacerated like mine by evil’s pain,
for evil has no hold on your heart Jesus;
for you simply love.
Hold on to us Lord,
the many who struggle with inner wounds,
filled with fear and rage,
only your cooling fire of love can release us
from our eternal prison,
for is that not what hell is,
to be isolated forever,
in evils unloving embrace,
alone forever,
separated from that
for which we were made?
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
