Inner pain is a far from rare experience for humans. Being self-aware comes with a high cost that often causes the inner self, or soul or consciousness to bleed. Perhaps our first step towards being unique personalities with a personal perspective starts when we first experience pain. For it is then, when we are torn away from the union with the parent, when we come to the knowledge that we are naked and rush to hide from the stares of others. For the inward self is private and invisible to the prying eyes of our family, friends and acquaintances….though we can at times feel exposed. Perhaps it is only humans who can ‘self reflect’ on the fact that they are lonely, depressed. as well as being happy at times. Many people feel nervous when they feel happy, for then they know that it will be taken away and the knowledge of personal, soul felt pain, is again learned and endured.
It is like a seed planted, and the fruit of that planting has repercussions that will continue throughout life and yes, even beyond. For fear can set up barriers that are difficult to overcome; if indeed the desire for that is even there. The personality ‘cringes’, is trapped by the jagged glass walls of introspection that will often take one on a journey through an endless maze, the eternal wanderer; unless a way is found to get out. Although even if a way is found, it again can take a lifetime to find the exit, which could be for many their actual death. I find it interesting that many people desire an indefinite extension of life, when most, if not all, can barley handle the 70 odd years allotted to most of us; at least in the West.
Seeking to escape pain often leads to other problems that just increase ones unease, leading perhaps to other escape routes that also lead nowhere. Perhaps the human soul, if trapped in ‘eternal cycles’ of pain; could be described as being in hell. Though the awareness of such a state can be grown into, so that the pain is often experienced as just something normal, simply the way things are.
We are such deep complex creatures, capable of great joy as well as suffering. In our seeking of ‘joy’, we often only increase our inward suffering and yes, sad to say, our tendency to move towards self hatred and contempt, leading to self destructive behaviors towards ourselves as well as others. Some are freed from this path, mostly because they had a childhood that affirmed them without spoiling. I have a feeling that the greatest cause of suffering for mankind is simply caused by this inner alienation from what in fact we are called to be…. loving and open creatures.
So many children ejected into a hellish life, born into situations in which love can be a very rare commodity, or if given, has so many strings attached that it is impossible to ever experience. There is only fear of being rejected or in many cases of being brutally abused, either physically or sexually or both. The stats on the high percentage of abuse cases are appalling and can almost lead one to despair over the human condition; well I am sure it does so for some.
If hell is a state of being and not a place, then it seems obvious that many live in hell and can seem to find no way out. Of course there is always hope, and there is also a lot of love out there; if not from actual family members then from others who have been graced with a heart that does love and care for those around them. Pain, paradoxically numbs us to the sufferings of others, and keeps us locked in from reaching out and helping those around us. It is those who learn compassion from their own sufferings and yes personal failings (which can lead to a great deal of inner pain), that allows them to become healers for those they come in contact with. For once a person actually feels seen and loved in spite what is looked upon, then the seeds of healing are planted.
I am speaking from experience, albeit a common one I am sure, for most people if not all. There are seasons in my life when like Jonah I am swallowed up in the belly of the beast, down into the depths wherein I can only see pain, self contempt and hatred. It is place of razor blades, cutting into my soul asking me to simply give up and sink eternally into the darkness. Yet there is also light and I look towards that, for as the years go by, I no longer believe the darkness, nor do I take the razor blades as reality, but an illusion keeping me from a full trust in God’s presence…. Yes grace ever present, even in my own private hell. Perhaps this sinking into the inner darkness is the only way of actual healing, facing the demons and then deconstructing them of their power. The heart and soul has its own language, one that is heard only by God. That is why solitude, while often difficult, is the only way for some types of inner healing. First however, it is important to experience the love of another, even when the only thing that can be seen is inner darkness and feelings of isolation. Love is like a hot knife cutting butter, it heals as it cuts away.
Life has a purpose and I wish I had the complete answer, or the understanding of what that is. However each religion has ways of dealing with this mystery and I being a Christian use what my own faith path has to teach me. Even though I do badly at lent, yet over the years it has worked on me, allowing me to understand the cycles that many of us have to go through; necessary cycles. I now understand that I am not just accompanied on my journey, but that God is actually waiting for me in whatever inner room I will visit in my journeys in the belly of the beast, that drags me into the inner ocean of my alienation and angst. However, being an average human being, it has allowed me slowly over the years to understand that my journey is a common one, though unique and in the end we all journey together through this journey we call our life.
I really don’t think there is more suffering than there is of joy and happiness; it is just that it is pain that seems to force the journey, leading us to make choices and to seek healing. Perhaps one day, we as a species will reject the logic of revenge, contempt and that we are separated from one another. We wake up for awhile when there is a catastrophe in different parts of the world, but it is soon lost by many. It sounds maudlin to say the ‘love’ is the answer; but in fact, it is. Empathy and compassion are the fruits of love, not pity or condescension. The paradox in feeling for others happens when the pain of others is taken on by those who love, which can also lead to healing. It breaks the closed circle of self protection allowing others in, even those who are different in many ways. Under the differences, both those that are attractive and those that are off putting, is just another self. For Christ said: “whatever you do to the least, you do unto me”. The Samaritan helps the Jew. One man’s pain brings together two humans, in friendship and love. One giving his time and resources to heal the other thereby creating a bond that cannot be shattered for the connection based on love, is eternal.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
