There is more than one way to look at the whole process of discernment and each person who is seeking to make some kind of choice about a course of action will deal with it differently. No matter how it is done, or who one talks to, in the end it is up to the person seeking an answer to make the final decision. Doors can be closed that is true, but that is not necessarily the end of the story, for just because one avenue is closed does not mean that others will not open. One thing however is essential when discerning, and that is having the courage to do, or to face, whatever is necessary to come to a fruitful completion of the process.
Some people want too much information before they can actually make a decision to even begin the whole process, which in the end as is often the case, they never get enough. So the whole discernment is dead in the water because it can never really begin. Others talk to too many people, which can cause confusion and stop all forward movement; since everyone has an opinion and if each one is given equal weight, then paralysis will sit end. Some are unable to listen to someone else at all and in the development miss out on some good insights that their friends may have to offer. So yes each person will have their own tendencies to sabotage the whole discernment process. For the embarking on a new way of life can on some level be threatening, even if it is not consciously adverted to.
It is the relationship that we have towards ourselves that is the real culprit that can block the discernment process and slow down ones progress. What do I mean by this? Jesus gave us the two greatest commandments: “To love the Lord your God with your whole heart, mind and soul” and the second is like the first: “To love your neighbor as yourself”. So the crux of the problem has something to do with how we look upon the Kingdom of God and what this new life we are called to actually is. Also, what kind of death is needed in order to find this new life that Jesus is calling us to? What exactly is this death to self that he speaks about, which is necessary in order to make progress in following the path that Jesus has set before each of us? Jesus used the parable about the log in ones eye and also about finding fault about the splinter in the eye of someone falling under our judgment. In order to discern anything at all, there has to be clarity of thought, which is based on self-knowledge if it is to be operative. Without compassionate self knowledge, there will only be self contempt and hatred, which can often be hidden under many masks that are presented to the world and also actually believed in by the presenter. So clarity of thought is missing and with that lack of self knowledge there may be a dearth of empathy for the humanity of others. This makes the possibility of discernment that is life giving almost impossible and the experience of seeking to live or work with others along a certain path becomes filled with struggle and pain. This in reality could have been avoided, by allowing the death of the masks that we wear and believe to be real. Others show us the log or logs in our own eyes by reflecting back the splinter in their own and then they are punished in various ways for carrying our own inner darkness and fragmentation. No real community life is possible, no matter what it is, if one is fragmented and lost in the reflection that is given back to the perceiver. Lack of self love… leads to the inability to actually love others for themselves and brings forth the experience of being pushed and pulled, by either strong positive attractions, or negative ones. A simple relationship can be very difficult and for many actually impossible. The reason is because the world that is made up of these ‘relationships’ is too small to allow anything real into ones heart.
Of course I am speaking of an extreme case, a few of which I have experienced over the decades of my living here. People enter wanting to see if they are called to this particular kind of religious life. Then once they enter and the infatuation wears off, and then all they can see is what is broken and dysfunctional. There is then a great deal of anger because they are not the center of the community and the members of the community will not change (well they can’t), so that they can feel comfortable. It is all out there, reflections with some truth to them, but their own projections none the less. So they cannot actually come to any kind of discernment and in the end leave. Leading many to relive the experience over and over again in different communities and never seeking some kind of deeper understanding of what is going on. The death to self, which is freed from the stream of ‘unconscious contempt of oneself’, is difficult in the extreme and can take a lifetime to accomplish. Any kind of life choice towards a certain vocation, can lead slowly, through struggle and pain, to deep healing as trust in God, as well as in oneself, deepens over the years.
Others are not the actual problem in stopping someone from making a true discernment, though no doubt others can be a challenge and in many cases we can struggle with those who are in many ways like ourselves. We all know what it is like to hear someone complain about someone else’s faults, sins, or problems, and wonder as we listen, if this man or woman has any idea that they are actually talking about themselves. Of course this struggle is part and parcel of being human. It is just those who do not learn, or grow in some kind of self reflection, that are the ones doomed to an endless cycle that goes nowhere. Oftentimes it not their fault, some simply cannot break through into a broader and more loving way of dealing with others, that they have to endure on a daily basis.
It is the ever deepening understanding of God’s love for us, God’s ‘yes’, that is constant in spite of our failures, that give us the courage to stand and face our inner demons knowing that no matter what inner room we enter, Christ is there waiting for us. This kind of experience allows us to have compassion on others, for though unique, we are all very much alike. Life in any kind of community can be an experience of joy, or a path that is fraught with suffering and isolation. For we learn that truly God’s love falls not only on the good but also those who are not. Or another analogy, “the Sun falls both on the thankful and the unthankful”. Slowly, we learn though our own struggle just how difficult it is and how our freedom grows slowly over the years and often even then in secret, in a place so deep that only God can see it. We are told not to judge, for in judging, we judge ourselves and imprison ourselves in a world filled with those that we look down upon and can easily have contempt and hatred towards.
In the end it is the acceptance that God’s love and our calling, whatever it is, is a gift that needs to be embraced. In that embracing if based on a true trust in God’s love and in a true love of ourselves, we become healers for those around us and not a source of pain or trouble for others. You can’t know what you want until you know yourself and in that process, die to all self hatred and contempt and learn to have compassion that is truly shown to us in Christ Jesus.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
