“Progress always involves risk; you can’t steal second with your foot on first.” Mary R.
It is so easy to cling to what is known, even if it is a situation that is painful and self destructive. In relationships, there is a very peculiar situation that can develop, that is in reality very common. This can happen in any kind of connection, if the other person is seen as desirable in whatever way. Many don’t want to face the fact that power is an important part of any bond. The scary aspect of this is that we give others a certain power over us when we feel vulnerable towards them. The fear from allowing someone to see this vulnerability can cause a great deal of suffering for the person going through this experience. One term used to describe this dynamic is “approach/withdrawal syndrome”. I have yet to meet anyone who has not gone through this at least once in their lives; others seem to go through it all the time.
It is also good to remember, that when approached by another, for friendship for instances, that they could also be fearful of being ignored or set aside. Knowing ones own wounds and fears can lead to empathy and compassion for others and not only offset a lot of pain for them, but also ones grow in the ability not to be knocked off balance by childish reactions, because they are understood for what they are. Most relationships are probably one-sided, but friendships can develop none the less. When this kind of acceptance is experienced, and the frustration and pain worked through, it leads to the ability to be able to see, hear and also love those who make tentative steps towards friendship. It is in relationship, the struggles, and the loneliness, that we grow and expand in our hearts the ability to love others for themselves, so the healing is passed on.
The desire to be seen can be counterbalanced by the fear of anyone seeing too deeply into our souls. Sometimes, I think that all the drama that goes on in many different kinds of relationships, are in fact protective measures to keep others at bay. We do in fact treat others the way we treat ourselves. To stop moving forward, taking risk, to give full power over our protective fear, is in fact locking our-selves up in a dungeon. The paradox is that known pain that is clung to, is often worse than the actual scenario played out in the imagination. One of the most painful lessons to learn, though it can lead to deeper intimacy, is that loved ones, those most needed, are not mere extension of personal need. In order for any relationship to mature and develop, the egotistical need to own or control another as something owned, has to be outgrown. This is not as easy as it sounds. Friendships, marriage, the parental bond, all bring to the surface aspects of human need that are not always consoling to see. So yes, inner demons have to be addressed and dealt with, for if they are not, well, then they will deal with us. I believe that most cycles of pain and confusion that flow from relationship come about because a certain level of hunger and pain doesn’t want to be let go of. Which is in fact an unconscious way of keeping others at bay, for protective functions can also become our wardens and jailers.
Inner experiences, feelings, emotions and needs can be so powerful that there are those that think it should be obvious to those around them. Yet it is not so. We must build a bridge towards others. One way of doing that, one of the scariest, is to be open and honest with the person that we would like to have has a friend or spouse, or perhaps just someone who can impart wisdom to us. No matter the relationship, each step into the realm of intimacy is moving into a new world that can be very scary and painful, yet also filled with joy and a feeling of inner expansion and healing. For to communicate with another on the level of trust (even if fear is present), is to expand ones healthy boundaries, and to also learn that human problems and struggles and yes failures are universal. So the temptation to suffer from chronic uniqueness is outgrown for something better……which is community. A certain level of faith has to be embraced to accomplish this. This also takes a waking up to the truth of inner tension in this regard and also the strength to stand against it. Faith can be open ended, fear a closed gate.
From the book, Days of Healing-Days of Joy; Hazelden press
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