We are healed of suffering only by experiencing it to the full.
By Marcel Proust
From Days of Healing-Days of hope
Published by Hazelden
How I wish healing was as easy as stepping into a shower, soaping up and then rinsing off. Afterwards there is a feeling of refreshment and cleansing. Life does not seem to be set up for our personal comfort and happiness. Whatever inner chaos I carry within me, will always manifest in some way that will cause me the maximum pain and embarrassment. My troubles don’t follow me, they are me. I have found that things don’t get better until I actually deal with this inner turmoil and even on some level embrace it. One of the hardest obstacles to overcome is my own self loathing and hatred that after all these years is still within me. Though not as strong as it seemed to be when I was younger and beginning the journey that most of us or on. The relationship that I have with myself, one that is based on self love and acceptance, is the difficult first step towards healing. I can’t seek healing if I don’t first respect myself and think that my life has meaning and is worthwhile.
Inner wounds heal by staying with the pain. Evading, or seeking to alleviate the pain before it can speak its truth to me will only make my life more difficult. Addictions, not just the main ones, like alcohol and drugs, but anything that I do to run from my inner anxiety, will without doubt, make one problem into two, or perhaps even more. A certain trust has to be developed in order to do this….the refusing to seek relief in self destructive ways. Also a conviction, that life is worthwhile and has a purpose; at least for me is necessary. This makes all the confusion, failures and starting over, meaningful and desirable, as strange as that may sound to some.
If I have a path and I am on a journey, I have come to believe it is not about finding something high and transcendent. It is about dealing with ‘my shit’, messy yes but if there is such a thing as God’s will for my life, it is that I have come to believe. A certain peace has to be let go of in order to begin the road towards healing. Self knowledge can often shatter peace for a time, but the pieces will come back together. Humpty Dumpty can be put together again. For me this involves an ever deepening, loving, relationship with my Higher Power, which is based on trust, no matter how dark things look, or feel to me. It is all about choice, often starting with small ones, leading slowly to an ever deeper freedom.
It is not magic this process, though there are times when some breakthroughs and healings may seem to be. Openness to life and not fearing the suffering that we all appear to have to go through opens up doors for healing to happen. This stance has to be made consciously; it is a choice to trust and often a hard one. I believe that for me, the easiest path would be to give in to cynicism, self loathing and despair. There is a melancholy pleasure to that. The victim unjustly sentenced to a life that often seems absurd and meaningless. To sink is easy; to swim, well that is another matter.
I believe that the benefits of recovery are limitless,
Today, I am patient, confident and will to be healed.
