I suppose that many people at one time or another has trouble in dealing with very powerful emotions. They seem to have a life of their own these emotional reactions, coming to birth it seems explosively at times, or slowly building, until some form of expression must be articulated, often in destructive ways. I know I certainly struggle with certain emotions, powerful, demanding at times as if they are saying: “deal with me, now!”, with an intensity that seems earth shattering if not dealt with. Strong emotions overly focus, making the ability to be objective impossible; though the illusion is there that objectivity is being used. Others experience it as a rant, unless they are also sucked into this deep emotional episode and join in the irrational exchange.
Emotional outburst can take on an existence of their own, like another personality, evolving into a cyclic progression that is lived out over and over again; taking a toll on those who have to put up with it on a regular basis. The less responsibility is taken for the outburst, the more others have to be blamed, which can add to the frustration. Some people are aggressive in how they respond, others more passive, which can be even more enraging for the one trying to lay out blame.
If this happens enough times, then a corner is backed into, the repeat offender of the peace, labeled and eventfully not really listened to at all. Yelling, being belligerent, over reacting, then becomes after endless repetition, normal for others, expected, if unpleasant. Eventually the one doing it is slowly isolated or ostracized, left to their own devises. People yell because they want to be heard, but in the yelling they drown out any other voices that might help, and in the end the other voices simply stop.
I know I can get like that, if I start to believe everything that I tell myself about any given event in my life. This can lead to forgetfulness; the understanding or insight, that others have a say. But if shouted down, the very thing I want to do, communicate, is made impossible. Strong emotions give the lie that one is infallibility right in the judgment made, others see it as infantile, unstable and at times dangerous. A time out, getting away from the situation for a time, is for me the only way I can regain my sanity. Though anger is an important emotion, if used improperly, becomes a temporary form of insanity. Over time, this space or reality can become permanent, if some form of insight and control is not reached.
The shotgun approach to anger gives less relief the more it is used. Until there is an unending expression of rage without any relief at all, one becomes a rage addicted personality. Which for some leads to tragedy, imprisonment and even death; something more common than many believe. I would suppose the most common expression of this is the husband who beats his wife, a man who has lost control, and picks on someone weaker to pour out his frustration. A truly deadly cycle, since often the wife will not leave, believing that the husband’s sorrow is sincere, which is may be, but the wheel turns, and a new day of rage will dawn.
Emotional stability seems easy for some, until they are pushed too far and what was once passive can become overwhelming aggressive, both parties being surprised at its intensity. Lessons can be learned, or not, it is up to each to try to learn from their own cycles, take responsibility and hopefully do better next time. It is true that progress can be slow in coming, however if self knowledge is acquired, and victimhood let go of, slowly change will come. At least the possibility of giving an apology is possible and also very helpful on the road to greater freedom.
In the end, the asking for help can be the hardest thing to do, but is probably for many the best thing they can do for themselves and their loved ones. In the meantime, I keep striving, talking, writing and praying that my own inner demons will not devour me. We each have our path and I have yet to find anyone on an easy one. This knowledge made ones own, could be helpful in understanding those who have seemed to have lost their way.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
