To age is something good, pleasant (?), well, no (!),
for if life is about ‘something’ rather than “chance”
then something deeper seems to be a play.
What if we are just children at our beginnings,
if all that we experience as awful as it is,
as absurd as suffering and evil seem to be,
the wars, the pain and disease, the human losses,
our own despair, the corners we back ourselves in,
are they for nothing at all, our lives a storm that ends,
then eternal nothingness?
Children don’t understand their parents at all,
much of the time that is; I certainly did not.
The more loving a parent, perhaps the harder
for the child to understand…..for it’s rants and temper
tantrums are of no avail, and often parents do things
causing pain and anguish, yet in the end, it is for something.
There is a point of stillness within me that is becoming
more apparent and constant, though my inner fragmentation
and restlessness still often hide it. Yet this part of me, never moves,
is at peace, is not bound by anything really, yet elusive and fleeting,
though as I said above, it is becoming more common.
This stillness is connected to something more; a deeper peace,
a more profound stillness which pulls me, seeks me, seduces me and
makes love to my soul. I am expanding, yet it is something given,
grace we call it, not letting me rest in this world of sand boxes
in which we play.
In my heart, all dwell, because my heart lives in something bigger, more
loving and intimate than what I understand, yet my heart craves and is
thirsty. So I dive in no-thing-ness and find that I can breathe, though the breath is never full, nor complete, there is always more, a deeper hunger and a wounding for a union so intense that I fear, as well as long for it more deeply,
as the years move by at an ever faster clip.
We say God is love so glibly, I don’t understand the infinite….yet…. the intensity of it….. once I experienced it; it was terrifying as well as something I want more of, yet can-not here in this realm of again, boxes, the sand boxes in which we play…. my world is yet to small, confined, enclosed and safe in all the wrong ways.
Embodiment, incarnation, flesh and blood, sweat and tears, struggle, humanity
slowly being formed to bring us to Christ Jesus, who lives in us, one with us,
though we do not yet know it (well I don’t). Revelation shows us something, not new, always there, but still incomplete. It is completed in each of us in the world of a God who allows everything to happen and does not step in. A God that will not fit into our simple schemes and theologies and philosophies, though at times I wish God could be controlled, but then perhaps this world would really be a hell, for a God of my understanding is really me written large, not a pretty picture.
