My mind still races, though I am better at slowing it down as I age, perhaps that is what . . . writing is all about, to slow down thoughts and yes my tapes, many of them compulsive and tormenting, if I take the wrong attitude towards them. Some days, when I am tired, or perhaps just down they seem to take over, my dear tapes. They are like annoying flies, a buzzing that I would like to get rid of all together, yet I can’t. I have found that my own inner attitude, that comes from a place far different than the tapes….. a place of freedom, is my only way out. The more I ‘hate’ them, the stronger they get, the less I fight them the weaker their effect, and with humor, well they tend to simply melt away, at least for awhile.
Because of my racing mind that can go in four different directions at the same time, I have learned different ways to deal with them. When walking around, or driving, even when listening to the radio, I have found that small prayers said over and over again, gently and with attention are a real help for me. The holding of the prayer rope, that fits around my wrist when I am not using it, helps to ground me, the feel of the rope bead helps to get rid of stress by the slow movement, and the inner freedom that gives me, allows an inner space that keeps me in God’s presence, the tapes perhaps put on the back burner. I think it is the slow using of the very short prayers that allows the mind to rest, giving me the freedom I need to simply just ‘be’. Now many would go crazy trying to do that. Some try this kind of prayer and become very compulsive about it, which has the exact opposite affect; it can weary instead of refresh, so it is not for everyone by any means. No form of prayer is I guess, we all are unique on how we relate to the divine.
When I was in the Navy and had to do guard duty during the night, I found this form of prayer very helpful in keeping me alert and also it helped to speed up the time. I remember in boot camp, I would at least twice a week get guard duty, or fire watch is what it was called. I would usually get the midnight to four AM watch, which was difficult. When I would start I would take out my Rosary and very slowly recite the prayers, and simply think about the mysteries as I did my rounds. I became alert, for my inner thoughts where directed in a certain direction but not forced, nor was my mind wandering. So I was awake and aware of what was going on around me and best of all, I found that time really speed by. The four hours at times seemed like only one, and when it was over I went right to sleep. Now I would like to say I was bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, but that did not happen, I would get up groggy, until my first cup of coffee.
I know that my struggles are pretty much the same for many, true we are each unique, but in many ways the same. It is when I forget this that I can become hard on others, but when I am in touch with my own weakness, failures and inner compulsions, it is very hard to be down on those I know and live with. We each have a heavy inner load to carry, even if hidden it is still there. We often do what we don’t want to, because of these inner triggers that often run the show behind the curtain, playing with the lights, or hidden from our view by the lights. In any case, awareness can at times be over rated, for if anything I am too aware and I don’t think it has helped me all that much. I sometimes feel like I am trying to dance my way through life while looking at my feet, not very helpful, I do trip a lot and I do mean a lot.
Perhaps it is not important, for it is love that calls, I just need to keep the desire to respond burning.
