I admire your faith that is so deep,
dedication is your natural way of being,
for all your life you have sought
and now in your latter years,
after much struggle
you have found peace.
You smile at my angst filled introspections
wishing I could just let go
and live in the moment,
“accept what is” you gently say,
and I sadly know that I cannot.
I believe and doubt,
love and hate,
seeking I also flee,
I am a living contradiction,
hardly knowing myself.
My heart a deep ocean of love
and a dry desert of nothingness,
deep wells of anger and rage
still demand my attention.
Then a numbness so deep
I cannot move but only call out,
yet I feel you pursuit.
I seem never to arrive
though I seem so close
yet I fall back to the inner wasteland
a place I know well,
my home.
My brokenness like glass scattered
bits and pieces of what is not yet,.
So I ask too many questions,
over think,
sink,
get stuck,
I think missing what is simply before me.
At times you think me a fool
and I think you are often right,
for my searching is a compulsion,
perhaps a shield,
keeping me from what I seek.
Yes I am a living contradiction.
