One of the biggest temptations for those on the spiritual path, and one I have fallen into often, is self absorption. Looking inward is important, self knowledge, or the growth in it, is an absolute necessity, painful though it is. Self knowledge allows us to face up to our own sins, but not only that, it allows us to differentiate between freedom and compulsion. Personal sin has to be dealt with differently than compulsions. Both are hindrances to our movement toward greater union with God, but to treat them both the same, only makes matters worse.
Sin, in its most positive understanding, points to freedom. A choice, which allows something to be done about it, to make amends. This empowers us with the ability to choose, to turn freely towards God, with renewed hope and confidence. Failure, sin, is a common experience for those on the spiritual path, for self knowledge leads to ever deeper honesty about ones propensities, without the ego being threatened.
Guilt, which is also something positive, since it presents what has been done, and also leads to the one experiencing this emotions to make amends, to step forward and admit what was done. So guilt can also lead to a greater freedom in our deepening relationship with God.
False guilt is another thing altogether, and sooner or later needs to be addressed if spiritual maturity wants to be attained. Scruples, is the favorite first cousin of neurotic guilt. When one is in this state, all focus in oneself, a form of spiritual narcissism, which is common, I still fall into it, though not as much when I was younger. For when young, I actually believed that self absorption was something good, humility at work, pleasing to God and a sign of my moving forward on the path. Well in one sense this is true, for it is something that needs to be faced and dealt with. This is where fortitude comes in. The strength to move forward, when at the same time being bombarded with unfounded fears about ones state, or about God; a self inflicted hell of sorts. In other words we project all of our fears onto God, which becomes an idol that has to be overthrown. I think we spend all of our lives overthrowing false images of God, each time courage is needed to move forward in trust and abandonment.
Slowly ones learns that while we as a species tend to be unfaithful, weak, sinful, and yes, many racked with compulsions and addictions, yet it slowly comes to light that God is faithful. God is the rock, always loving, compassionate, tender, merciful, and never changing. For often we often make God into our own image and likeness, when if fact we are made in His. This leads to more attention being placed on our actual love for God in spite of failures. For knowing that God is faithful in his love, leads us to greater faithfulness in our loving in return. As St. Paul states: “nothing can separate us from the love of God”, and St John: “Love cast out fear”.
When feeling cut off, or broken, unlovable, when God seems far away, that is the time to face up to the falseness of such a perception, and walk through it. Deepening ones faith in God’s constant love and abiding in your heart, at times hidden, yet always there none the less. I also find it helpful to pray for all of those who are going through the same thing, and to bring them before God in prayer. For we are a community, a body, with Christ as our head, so everything we go through can be used in prayer for others.
So move forward, look to Jesus not to your own heart. Allowing God to use your heart as a channel for his love, never doubting, just look to him. Now that is a real death to self, for real humility is not only self knowledge, but the true knowledge that you are all loved.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
