I often don’t understand what I am about,
saying one thing then doing another,
wondering all the while at my mediocrity,
my winding journey up the mountain,
fits and starts unending or so it seems,
often ending back in the valley lost and alone
among my own inner demons,
failures,
also just a simple fear of going forward.
I seek you and your presence flees,
seeking to hide myself and you gently show yourself,
only to again withdraw.
Knowing all the while,
it is I who is the cause;
my enemy myself.
Crushed by my poverty both inner and outer
calling your name
drinking sand instead of living water,
over and over again I fail
yet I continue to seek you
often wondering why?
Where else can I go?
For you are life,
what we seek,
you are,
the air on which our souls breathe
that which holds us in existence.
Loved,
tormented,
fighting despair,
I will not give up,
for it is infinite love that sustains,
seeks,
for your love is greater than my own heart.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
