In good families, as well as those that are less so, have chaos as an important component. Children from the moment they are born begin growing apart from their parents, becoming individuals in their own right. There is a saying, the love of parents move towards allowing their children to becoming more and more independent, or a better way to express it; move towards separation. So the time comes when there is a break, at least in what kind of relationship is involved. When parents fulfill their sacrificial duties, friendship with their children is often the fruit of such a process. Loving parents experience both joy and pride in the progress of their children’s growth. As well I would imagine also experiencing a deep pain, which is nevertheless embraced.
In adulthood we bring with us the strengths and weaknesses of our family history. They can aid us in moving towards becoming more mature and loving adults. Or they can make our lives difficult until we learn how to deal with their often unconscious influences on our lives.
There tends to be a lot of pious sentiment when thinking of the Holy Family. However I would think that Mary and Joseph went through many trails in dealing with their son. When she presented Jesus at the temple, both Anna and Simenon prophesied that she would suffer greatly because of who her son was. She pondered these things in her heart. Such pondering would I imagine bring forth great anxiety and sorrow for her son. Joseph was also there, and I have no doubt that he was drawn into this mystery just as deeply as Mary was, because of his love of both Mary and his adopted son.
Jesus did submit himself to Joseph and Mary, yet he also had to become the man he needed to be, in order to fulfill his heavenly Father’s will for him. It is the same for all families though to a lesser degree, where parents in spite of anxious concern must allow their children to develop, grow and move out into a dangerous world. Mary and Joseph knew that they could not own or control their son, but had to, like all parents, endure much as they watched him grow and start his ministry. There is a price to pay when love enters the picture, a heavy one, but worth it I believe. Love and suffering go together because we invite others into our circle and we become concerned for them and less apprehensive for ourselves. Just as Christ Jesus in his love and concern for us, embraced the path he had to live out, a life of being misunderstood and eventually tortured and killed.
When the family becomes unhealthy on a large scale, so goes the culture…for when the sword that pierces the heart that loves, is deeply is feared and rejected, then the wounds that flow from that become endemic to all who are part of that process. We live in a hard world, it is family that can make us or break us in how we live in that world.
When thinking of family, the idea that they can extend beyond blood-ties comes to mind. Most of us have people in our lives that ‘stick’ to us, which we help over a longer or shorter period of time. They can test us, and make us stretch in our ability to see beyond our own tight inner circle Just as many of us may also ‘stick’ to those who help us. Hopefully as we grow we will be able to be of help to those who have no one in their lives. To focus only on family to the exclusion of others in the end is not what I believe we are called to. The struggle that needs to be made is learning to have healthy loving boundaries, which is also a gift that these people bring to us. We grow through struggle and failure.
Any relationship that is worthwhile be it with family or friends, demands sacrifice, or a death to a self centered way of living, if it is to survive. In loving we see others as a ‘Thou’ and not an ‘It’. God is the infinite ‘Thou’ that reveals itself in Jesus Christ, we are called to die to all that interferes with our abandonment into the hands of the living and infinitely merciful Creator.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
