Grace and gift giving (What I learned from my Dad)

In 1983 my mother died at the age of 63. It was not a sudden death. On my home visit in 1982 she told me that she had about a year to live. She was worried however about dad because he kept thinking she would get better. So when mom died it hit my dad pretty hard. A few months after mom died, dad asked if he could come down to the Monastery for an extended stay. Of course the answer was yes and he resided with us I think for about three months.

When he arrived I could tell that mom’s death had taken a toll on him. He told me how lonely he was and one reason he came down was that he was starting to drink and he knew that was not a good way to deal with his loss. While here he helped out in our retreat house and became friends with a couple of men who were also staying for a length of time.

After he was here a week, he asked if he could take me out to dinner. So I asked the abbot for permission and because of my father’s situating, he said OK. It developed into the practice of me going to dinner with him twice a month. I expected him to take me to Denny’s or some restaurant like that. However, as we left the grounds he said that he wanted to take me to a nice place, so we went to one of the more expensive restaurants in the area. I believe it was a ‘Steak and Ale’. Not sure they are even in business anymore. I was not used to expensive restaurants and enjoyed it very much. When I got a peek at the bill I was kind of shocked, thinking that it was way over the top in expense.

So on our second trip to get dinner I let my father know that he did not have to take me to a fancy restaurant, that Denny’s would be just as nice. He said in no uncertain words that he wanted to take me to a nice place. As we continue on our journey I begin to understand that this was a gift that my dad truly wanted to give me. He wanted to show his love for me by ‘wasting’ money on something nice, a place where we could enjoy each others company and talk. It was a grace, a gift freely given, and I guess by not arguing with him and accepting it, perhaps that was a grace I bestowed on him as well. He did not feel coerced into doing it; there was no compulsion but simply a gift. In that I believe he found joy and perhaps some comfort from the loneliness he was going through.

Giving gifts freely and graciously is important…as well as the courteous receiving. It is not about expecting something of similar value in return. If that is present, then it is not gift giving but something else. I learned to receive from my dad, and in doing that I allowed his desire to show love and grace towards me to happen.

We all need someone in our lives that we can freely bestow gifts, whatever that gift is. It could be friendship, or someone we help on a regular basis, it does not matter. When we give to others in love, we find healing for ourselves as well a connection on a deep level with others. I believe that when we give freely, we are living out of our essential nature, for we are made in the Image-And-Likeness of God. Infinite Love gives eternally, it is God’s joy to give, to bring forth, to give life and mercy and healing to all. When this is forgotten we suffer deeply and find our souls dry and empty, until we once again discover that giving is important, and be able to receive even more so.

Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery

Tagged as: depression, Dohle, Father, gift, grief