“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.”—Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Emily is one of the presenters for this weekends retreat. As we were talking over the subject matter, I brought the fact up about clichés. For me a cliché is not something false, but actually something true, it is just often over used, or presented when it is not helpful at all, or even harmful.
Emily agreed with me and said that when she was going through the beginning of her mourning period, well-meaning people would say “times heals all wounds”. She told me that it was not helpful to hear something like that, when she was just trying to cope with the loss of her daughter.
Some things in life have to be born; we simply have to get through it, one day at a time, little by little. Our faith, though helpful is not something that is some kind of a fix for the many kinds of losses we suffer in life. Suffering of itself can lead to despair, bitterness and isolation from others. In some cases it can lead to death. We all need someone to be with us when we suffer, not to fix, but to just be. There is always time to talk later, but when the wound is raw, we need emotional as well as prayerful support. We don’t need for others to try to squelch it so that they can feel less anxious.
In this world there is always a price to be paid. We can withdraw from others in order to spare us the pain that personal relationship will bring. Yet if we do that, then our lives can become cold and dreary….a very heavy price. Or we can become bitter and angry as a way of life, which also brings with it a very steep cost. Or we can face it, feel it, pray it, talk about it when ready, and not allow others to tell us how to do it. This last choice can bring slow healing and a more compassionate loving heart.
There are no shortcuts. Though no two people mourn alike, so better not to compare ourselves with others, it is a wearisome pastime. I do know one thing however that I believe is true for the vast majority of human beings. As we age, as our losses build up, we never stop mourning the loss of those we love. It is like a back ground noise, low key but felt when we pay attention to it. Our losses are never far from our mind; just a thought away and I believe that is the way it should be. There is a price to pay for keeping our hearts open, one well worth it, and in the end it cost us less, for we feel alive and connect with life and with those who have passed onto the other country.
Our faith, whatever that is can help us cope with loss. It can shield us, if not from pain, then from despair. When we are in mourning it can be a time of deep spiritual renewal.
