Dr. Manning our primary Doctor here in Conyers (and a very good doctor), after looking at some x-rays of my lower back, placed an order for me to have Physical Therapy (PT). So I went in for my first appointment yesterday. I have been there before, taking other monks in for their PT. It is a big place, with a comfortable waiting area. I went in and sat down. It was early afternoon and I was the only one in the room. Yet after about 10 minutes people starting coming in. Most were older than me, but not by much, at 67 that is getting more difficult to do I believe.
Most of the people knew each other and were on friendly terms. As I waited I noticed a man walking towards the seat next to me. He was a few years older than me, 74 to be exact. He was a friendly sort and he smiled as he sat down. He used a cane and I could tell that he was in a great deal of pain.
He started talking to me and we covered quite a few subjects. He was in the Coast Guard from 1960-70, the same years that my brother Skip was in the Navy, give or take a year or so. He talked about his life, his tour in the Coast Guard and how much he enjoyed it. He mentioned how tough he was when young, and how one night he went on port leave with his Captain. I guess in the Coast Guard the rules about officers frequenting with enlisted men was less stringent. He mentioned a game they played, which was to fight each other and the loser would buy the most expensive drink for the winner. He said they did that a few times. Well I guess with that kind of game, the hangover stared before the drinking. But he laughed and said it was great fun, being so young and fit and all.
He then looked at me and said “you know, all that men of our age have to look forward to is death, it is our next stop”. Well that kind of put a chill in our conversation. However he said it with a smile and not as something that seemed to distress him. He then told me that when he was 20 and he thought about 50 years in the future, he more or less thought that he would be dead by then, but it was so far away that he did not need to worry about it. Then he looked at me with humor and wonder and said, “but you know it passed by so quickly my head is still spinning”.
He was not depressed, seemed happy and full of wonder about the mystery of his existence. We talked for a few more minutes and then we were both called back to our appointments. I guess there comes a point in life where some sort of peace with this world is made, at least for most people. The problem is when we think of death, we do it as observers as Freud said. I think about death, but can’t imagine it happening. I have been with I guess around 50 people as they lay dying, and each time I did it, they all looked alike towards the end. I also thought about how one day I will start saying to myself, “So that is how it was”. Now that I am approaching my older years, I am beginning to start doing that.
I embrace aging, the process of life, and even though I may have some rough days ahead, for me it is another stage that I need to get through, or a better way is to grow through. I believe the older years are the most important, wherein as we let go of one thing after another, we can learn patience and develop humor, or we can become bitter and fearful.
Last night as I was praying after Compline, I realized that I am on a fast moving train, can’t stop it and don’t know when I will get off…..looking at that gives depth and meaning to life. And brings to light the importance of our choices; whether to seek to become more loving or not, or to try to cultivate patience and compassion for those care for us, or not. Or to let go of the past or to cling to it, for there will always be choices.
The belief in an afterlife points to the fact that no matter how old I am, or how dark things will get, or even how fearful I will finally be in my final months of life, I am only at the beginning of a very long journey. Jesus said we should become as little children; perhaps that is because when we leave this world we have to become like new born babes. If we can’t do that, maybe we get stuck and imprisoned by our inability to let go of all that keeps us from becoming what we are called to be.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
