The experience of the lightness-of-being
I do believe that many of our pleasant memories of the past are often cleaned up so that we can enjoy them. I believe that is something good and studies have shown that nostalgic memories are very positive and help those who have them to have a more upbeat outlook on life. I also believe that there are some memories that are ‘true’ and are sign posts revealing to us something deeper and eternal. I will call them ‘lightness-of-being’ moments. They are experience that flow from being truly in the moment without any worries or anxieties or self consciousness. They are a pure gift, or grace.
I don’t know exactly why, but when we lived in the United States before we went to Panama I really don’t have any nostalgic memories at all. I have pleasant memories, but there was always a shroud over it all for me. I could never let myself go, I was always guarded and every night I had nightmares. It was no ones fault; it was just the way it was. Before we went to Panama we lived in East St. Louis and I played there, went to school but there was always a pall over things. I got so used to it that I thought it was normal and simply learned to live with it. I don’t think that my experience is rare sad to say. And for many a life long experience of existence. For some, it is much worse. So I am not writing out of self pity, but out of a desire to get this out of my system…..and in the process to share what Panama did for me.
We left in the winter of 1958, 5 days after my 10th birthday; the 8th of December. Just a normal day for me, though I was curious about living in another country. I do remember some of the journey, and no doubt it was hard on Skip and mom. Skip was 17 when we went down to Panama; the next brother down, Robert, was 11.
One of the ‘lightness of being’ moments happened when we stepped off the plane when we arrived in Panama. For me it was like going to another planet, a wondrous planet. My first experience before thought was a deep emotional connection to what I was seeing; as if I was coming home….I could not believe how wonderful I felt. The drive over was a revelation to me. Seeing all the jungle and the houses that were built above the ground, the people waking on the side of the road, it was all like I was in heaven. I believe that this moment was true, that I am not building or adding to it at all. So this very positive gift that I received and experienced was the beginning of some deep inner changes in me. A process that is still developing, for I believe that growth and healing go together, they are one and it possibly never ends.
Then we arrived at Gulick Heights and I was overjoyed to see that our new home was also built above ground and that we had two apartments on the second floor. As soon as we unpacked our clothes, Mom and Dad had us take a nap. I still remember smelling the odor of the sheets that came from the humidity. I feel asleep, home, and from that day forward I never had a nightmare….when I used to have them every night. So the feeling of ‘home’ did give me some sort of inner healing from the first day there. I also felt lighter as if a great load had been taken off my shoulders.
One of the most powerful ‘lightness of being’ experiences happened more than once when I was between the ages of 10 and 12. It had to do with play. In the last half hour of the day in Panama, the temperature got cooler and our energy levels would increase. We would play and wrestle, throwing each other down a small hill without any worry of getting hurt. The feeling of freedom was so intense that there were times when I thought I would explode. Then it was over. It was always painful when we had to go in to eat, but that was life. I do believe that for boys this experience is short lived, for when puberty hits, it is another matter all together. Perhaps sports and dancing are an exception. I was too little and self conscious to do sports, but I found that when dancing all self consciousness faded and for a time I did relive that experience. For me dancing was close to flying….yes the ‘lightness of being’ experience again.
I have many fond and healing memories of Panama, but most of them are nostalgic I believe and I am glad that I have them, but those precious few I believe where an experience of ‘home’, some deep connection that points I believe to our future.
I do think that if we did not go down to Panama, I would have died long ago. That mantle that covered me had a self destructive streak to it, a side that was very dark and angry that I kept to myself. So I love Panama, for its beauty and ability to heal, well at least it did me. I cannot express the deep gratitude I have for living there. Or for that matter for those who took me in as a friend, or those adults who listened to me…..especially the teachers.
My faith in God was always present, so that is another factor as well. From time to time I would have an experience of God that went deeper and touched me more profoundly than the ways I sought to escape my inner alienation. One reason I actually love aging is that the changes continue to develop, and the reality of the grace filled existence we live becomes ever more real.
I have given up trying to figure it out, but I can write it out. The shroud is not all the way gone, for healing is a life long process, but like dancing, it happens more often than not when we can lose self consciousness and start to fly.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
