Transference: the shift of emotions, especially those experienced
in childhood, from one person or object to another, especially
the transfer of feelings about a parent to an analyst.
I enjoy my position in our retreat house… I like people. Yet working with the public has made me aware of deeper regions of my soul, which can react towards certain members of the public in ways that I am learning to deal with. I find that if certain triggers come into play, a deep distrust can surface that I need to watch and not allow this to move me. I suppose this comes from experiences from ‘way back’ and can be triggered by certain actions, looks etc.
I have found that my reactions are more often than not unfounded. I wait and if I speak to them during their time here, I see that I misjudged them and hopefully to learn from that. Unconscious responses, or reactions, are tenacious little devils however, so the longer I work here the more alert I have become to their possible influence over me.
There are many reasons why any one person will act out in a certain manner. They may be very anxious, or in some form of deep pain, or without a job, illness, or they may be carrying a heavy burden that they can’t or won’t talk to anyone about. So I have my hands full on some days in trying to deal with others in a just and loving manner.
Sometimes I fail. This week I had a hard lesson taught me, which was for me a mercy and a compassionate grace given to me by God. I won’t go into detail but I can share this. A lady was acting in ways that I thought in my wisdom that she was being extremely insensitive to the needs of the other retreatants. It was something minor, but a trigger and my inner discomfort grew. Being a man who does struggle with anger, part of me wanted to confront her. However I did not trust that desire. I went out for a walk in the cold windy night and talked with the Lord that I really need help with this aspect of my life and getting weary dealing with it. It was then that I felt the beginning of sorrow surfacing, which is not something that I experience normally…tender emotions are not common for me.
As I was coming back in I saw the woman I was having issue with at one of the tables having coffee. I went over to talk to her, not to challenger her, but to simply talk and to try to get some understanding. When I sat down next to her, I realized that she was someone in deep distress, ill and the last thing she needed was for a lout like me making her pay for something that happened to me in the far past. As she talked I felt a deep sorrow in my heart that I almost allowed myself to cause this beautiful gentle soul deep pain and even harm.
I then went to my room and unlike me, I felt a deep regret and sorrow for what I almost did, but in fact probably did it in my heart with my thoughts. I was this woman’s judge and jury. One of the community priests was over here hearing confessions, so I waited until everyone was finished and asked to talk to him. I felt greatly burdened. The guilt was real, not some neurotic chasing after my tail. As I sat down I asked to go to confession. He was surprised since he is not my regular confessor.
I was surprised at the sorrow I felt, like nothing I ever experienced before. So as I started I did something I seldom do, I wept over this event. I told the priest, I don’t know why I keep struggling over this issue, with my anger and distrust of others. As we talked the confessor told me that I am struggling with purity of heart. That is was about my relationships with others, how I judge them, treated them and used them. So he did not downplay my ‘sin’, but understood. He talked to me about his own struggles. I guess the major war in most hearts is fought out in our relationships. I think this was an important even in my life and the reason I am sharing this is that I don’t want to forget it. It may seem like a little thing, but for me, there is no little thing in how we treat others, often making them a lighting rod for our own inner fragmentation and pain.
I think I was walloped last night, but it was a compassionate one….such is grace, giving what we need in any given situation.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
