“I am so agitated all the time”, he told me
(You can’t heard cats or people if you try your head will explode)
Just about anything that is discussed that has to deal with relationships can sound so like a cliché, but none-the-less can be true. A cliché can become something life giving if what it proposes is entered into and experienced and struggled with. In all of our lives I think it important that we find that place, or center, that we can actually choose to change and grow, even if the choice is at first weak and seems ineffectual. It is here that many find the meaning of grace as a true gift. Below is an experience I had with a visitor here at our retreat house, who was here only for a few hours. It is important to understand that even when I use “we”, and ‘us’, I am really talking about myself. I just get tired of writing ‘I”.
One day about two months ago a man came into the retreat house and wanted to talk to someone. I was in the office, so I invited him to come with me to one of our small conference rooms. He was upset I could see that. So we sat down and I waited a bit for him to get his breathe. He started rambling a bit, which is common at the beginning of many sessions. Then as he continued his thinking became more focused and after about 30 minutes he started zeroing in on why he was in the state he was in.
“I am going crazy”, he said in a loud voice. He went on to complain about his family, his brother and sister-in-law, his job, his boss, his car, well just about everything. After another 20 minutes, he took a deep breath and stopped and looked at me expectantly. Now when someone does that I always feel a bit uncomfortable. So he looked for a little longer and said: “Well, what should I do?”
“I don’t understand” I responded and put the ball back in his court. So looks at me and says “what can I do to change things”. I was hesitant to go on with this but finally I said: “What is your part in this family situation that you are responsible for?”. He did not like that question and said: “No, no, how can I stop my family from acting the way they do?”
This was getting better and better. So I responded “You can’t”. I paused and then said “Perhaps you can change and lessen your reaction to them. Family relationships are like a large salad, we are each and ingredient, change one ingredient and other relationships will change as well”. He laughed and said: “A salad! Now that is funny, never thought of it like that!”
We talked for a while longer and he finally said, “How can I improve my relationship with my family?” “Well perhaps you could change the relationship you have with yourself” I responded. He did not understand what I meant. So I talked about my life in community. How I related to my brothers was a gauge for letting me know how I was in touch with myself. When off center I reacted in judgmental and harsh ways, when I was centered it was different. ‘How so, he asked”. I responded: “If we are not in touch with our own inner fragmentation and weaknesses, we will see it is those around us and react with anger or impatience. Controlling behavior can often come from this, which only leads to more frustration. In others words….’when I suffer from members in my community, it is something I do to myself more often than not”.
So he went on and we talked about how he could actually find out how he related to himself. I asked him if he spent time in silence before God. He responded in the negative. Did he have times of prayer? Again he said no. So I recommended that if he wanted to grow in self understanding, to try to spend a short time every day, say 15 minutes in silence before God, and time as well in personal prayer. When we pray or sit in silence, one of the benefits is that we become aware of our own inner voices. A lot of time we spend being busy so we don’t have to deal with ourselves, it is easier dealing with others, though very frustrating.
I told him there are no easy answers in dealing with ourselves and others. Patience is good, for we often have to allow time and our own openness to growth to bring some inner healing. However, to blame others for ones inner struggles are not helpful, it only makes us victims. Most of us struggle with this sort of thing. Perhaps our real growth comes from how we deal with our relationships.
I think he found it helpful that I also have to deal with this sort of thing. “No one is that unique”, I told him laughing. As he left, he said to me. “I am not sure how I will do this, but you have given me some clues that I will try to develop and deepen”. Never saw him again, hope he is doing well.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
