How could you every count my sacrifices? The stars witnessed My nightly prayers; the cold, My frozen limbs; the earth, my broken feet. — 5/11/48 paragraph 6 He and I (Pauline books)
We all live hidden lives. We can talk about ourselves, our joys and sufferings, our sacrifices, yet it is never enough. There is always something deep that we can’t find words for, or if we do, we can often feel misunderstood in spite of our efforts.
We each have different capacities for receiving love as well as giving it. The more sensitive the heart is, the deeper the suffering that often accompanies love for another; it is the price for love of any depth. Men and women both experience this unfilled longing, though it can often be hidden, this longing for union with another. Be it through the union of marriage, or through friendship. It is the desire to be seen fully and accepted. Many inner chains can lessen or even fall off once this is experienced.
Was the humanity of Christ different than the rest of us? No, yet at the same time it was. He did not need the kind of self protection that fear gives us in this world when we deal with others. There is good reason, for we can often be unresponsive to the needs of others, or we can take each other for granted, even those we love the most. Self-absorption is the norm, for all we can do is interpret those around us from our own inner world.
If Christ loved all and truly saw each, understood them, and was incapable of defending himself from humanities selfishness and cold-heartedness, I would think he did indeed suffer greatly all of his life by what he saw and experienced in and from others.
We see that in people who are truly loving and giving, without compulsion or the desire to control. They often suffer from misunderstanding and from the judgments of others who think their kindness, compassion and love are a form of weakness. Yet they continue.
I still struggle with self-absorption and fear and no doubt this has caused others pain over the years, even if often unintended. I often wonder what it would be like to be that free and open towards reality. For Jesus was free and he paid the price, one he freely chose out of his love and compassion for us all.
In prayer we allow grace, the love of God to slowly open up and heal our hearts. Christ Jesus’ heart was fully human, mine at least is still more primate, fearful and seeking to merely survive. I sense change as I age, that my heart is more human and less fearful than when I was young, yet as I pray, I become ever more mindful of my need for grace and the deep desire to be seen and loved by God.
God is not a thing that I can possess, yet my deepest longings point to what God is, since I am made as we all are in His image and likeness.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
