A ritual

Just about every night I have a ritual; putting William to bed with the help of Bernie, one of the CNA’s that works here with me. Some nights he is peaceful, other in a good mood, some nights he likes to scream and fight. Also it can be that all three are present. In any case it has to be done. I like doing it actually, not because it is fun, but simply for the fact that William and I interact with each other. He remembers my voice from way back, so sometimes, not always, I can calm him down, at least a little when he is in one of his fighting moods. It is hard for him, difficult; I doubt I can come anywhere near in describing what he has to go through some nights. For there are times when he has no idea what we are doing, and simply fights us out of anger and I would suppose at times, fear.

We clean him, and also do skin care and have to make sure he is safe in the bed, which at times can be a problem. We have something we give him with his supper, which thankfully is still working for him. So by the time we get him ready for bed, he is sleepy enough to fall asleep as soon as we finish. He likes the room cold, so after we finish we cover him and put the Air Conditioner on high, then he is snug and sleeps.

Last night he only yelled at us once, his usual: “Get the hell out of here”, then he calmed down. Some night, like last night, he gets fascinated by my long beard and likes to grab old of it. Not rough in any way, I think he is just trying to figure it out, or perhaps asking himself the question:

“Why would Markey want to wear such an ugly beard?” Hard to believe that everyone does not love my beard as much as I do; well perhaps not, from time to time, I get some funny looks in public.

So we finish, I say a little prayer over him, and make the sign of the cross on his forehead; he seems to like that. On nights when he thinks I am his mother, I give him a kiss on the forehead and leave him in peace. All in all he is a delight to work with, though he can like I said, get a little aggressive at times.

Bernie who works with me most nights has a rough time with him also, more than anyone. She reminds him of someone from his past. So on some nights she becomes that other person for him, from his distant past, and can really get angry and very aggressive. So I make sure I am always there, or if not me, someone else. Then other nights, we he is more present to the ‘now’ he treats her well.

Old age, when the filters are gone, allows acting out. So you often get an unvarnished version of humanity, perhaps the true one. What is hidden must come out, perhaps a final healing for those on the final mile of their journey. No mask, just them, stripped down to the bone, all pretension washed away, humility experienced for what it truly is; just simple truth. No fancy smiles, or bows or pretty wrappings, just what they are before God. I think that is enough, standing before God and others, just as they are.

Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery

Tagged as: Dohle, hospice, ritual