Self-knowledge does not always bring with it understanding. We can know something about ourselves, even the root of the issue, yet still not know what to do about it, if anything, to get rid of it. Prayer when thought about by many people, think about if it really works or not. If prayers or answered or not. I believe this is a waste of time. Those who pray on a regular basis or for those whose life slowly over time becomes ‘prayer’ have an experience of this activity that is different from the questions and expectation of those who think about it, or study it, or perhaps wake up when problems come and do pray for a short time.
I believe to pray, is to respond to grace, or to an invitation from the Transcendent to enter into a loving personal relationship. One of the reasons we often find our closest relationship as beautiful as they are, unable to take away a certain level of aloneness and inner restlessness, is because our hearts are made for a loving relationship with the Transcendent, the Infinite, and as a Christian I will say with Christ Jesus and the Holy Trinity. In fact intimacy with another can awaken a hunger for something deeper. So I believe that prayer that seeks a deep intimacy with the Infinite is an end in itself. To sit before the mystery is perhaps one of the most important practices we can do.
When prayer becomes an integral part of ones life, it is not always a comfort, but a two edge sword that cuts to the bone, to the heart of the matter, that can leave one prostrate with the weight of it. The deeper one goes, the more intense the purification by the Holy Spirit…..it is a purgatorial journey, where we learn to simply be with what we experience or are shown and to trust the love of God to heal and bring us to deeper union. The more the heart is healed of anger, fear, the desire to control others around us, as well as to judge them, the deeper our love is fired by the Holy Spirit. We can no longer blame nor can we point fingers as we slowly are brought to the understanding of our need for healing, grace and mercy.
This morning as I was saying my rosary, walking around our inner garden during the 30 minute mediation period, I was pondering Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. As I was thinking about how the Infinite became flesh and suffered and died with and for us, I was suddenly brought face to face with my own unforgiving and revengeful spirit. A far memory came up about one of the monks who told me of an injustice that was committed against him from his abbot. It was not done maliciously but I remembered how this good man struggled with it. So I entered into a powerful scene where I became judge, jury and executor of justice according to ‘me’. It was not pleasant for me to see this, though I have been through it many times, with just different scenes. I could not break this even though I wanted to. So I had to live it to the end, which was not a pretty sight, this reaction to my perceived injustice towards another.
I asked the Lord when my heart will become like his, loving and forgiving. Then from the scene where Jesus was being taken by the mob, I saw when Malchus the slave of the High Priest who had his ear cut off by Pester (something I would have done if there), and saw Jesus stop in the chaos and heal the slaves ear. This scene always astounds me and I prayed that one day with his healing and grace, I to will be able to love those who abuse and hurt others.. I then begin to pray for all like me, who suffer from anger and the desire to right wrongs that are in reality a cover for revenge whose roots are in the far past in their and my life.
I would prefer to feel pious, in control, a loving servant of God, yet in prayer sometimes the veil lifts and the Lord lovingly allows me to see myself as he sees me, yet has only compassion and love for me, just as he did for the salve Malchus in the Garden.
So no, prayer is not about getting ‘things’, it is about becoming what God wants us to become. Our hearts are made for the infinite, and anything else will only hinder us if we get stuck on a certain level of dealing with the world according to ‘me’.
Make me an instrument of your peace O Lord
O Lord I desire
to become like you,
to allow your heart to become mine,
to allow your mind to lead me,
to tame the inner insane warrior
that is really just an angry child,
to become a true fighter for your kingdom,
through love, healing and mercy
as you showed to Malchus
your enemy, whom you loved,
healed and only wished to save.
O Lord, that I may hear,
see and respond,
to allow you too truly live in me.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
