Years ago my friend Marco asked me to accompany him to Federal Prison to talk to prisoners. I was nervous about it not knowing what to expect, but I found out that I felt very much at home with the men I talked to. Not sure what that says about me, but the men who came to the talk where those who were seeking ‘another way’ to deal with life. They wanted to stop vicious cycles in their lives. Or if they were there for life, to find ways to find peace with that, in other words they wanted to face reality and not try to escape it through drugs, violence etc.
One of the prisoners I am writing to is in for life and for murder. For years he was on death row, but his death sentenced was commuted to three successive live terms. He admits his guilt, and actually wants to pay for what he did. A few years back he started to center his life on God and tries to make up for what he did while there in prison. He helps other prisoners and prays with some of them.
He is very serious about this and it is helping him to face up to what he did and to embrace his sentence. It was armed robbery and he killed a man while committing the crime. He was young, stupid and on drugs. He regrets it. There is no self pity, but healthy guilt, nor neurotic at all. He knows he needs God’s mercy and that it is a gift. He wrote the family and stated his sorry and deep regret over the evil deed he did by taking their son/brother/friend away from them.
So his world is a small one and in that small world he is trying to become a more compassionate and loving human being. He deserves compassion and mercy, yet, he also deserves to be where he is at. He knows it and never expects to be released. He does not even ask for parole. He of course struggles with himself. He was telling me how weak he is and how often he fails. Like taking two steps forward and one step back. Below is an observation that I shared with him, based on my own experience of my inner weakness and failures.
“I understand you struggle with yourself as you walk the often lonely road towards Christ Jesus. I am sure that you are a help to those around you my friend. Christ Jesus is using you, in your strength and gifts. It is easy to see that you are very intelligent and thoughtful. So in your gifts he will touch others and even heal them in some way…..but he will touch and reach you through your weakness, for like St. Paul says, it is in our weakness that the strength of Christ shines through. For it is then we learn of mercy and also desire to extend it to others. Without self knowledge we are of little use to others when it comes to helping them to deepen their love and trust in God’s mercy…..which is infinite and open to all.”
Some friends tell me that he does not deserve to be written to because of what he did. I find that odd, since even if we are in jail we are still human and need community and support. It is true he is responsible for his plight. The same could be said for most of us in our own inner struggles as well with what happens around us. Yet I believe we all need mercy and support in order to grow.
Christ Jesus shows mercy to all, to me, and how can I not share and give that to others. This prisoner is not below me, he is another human being who did harm to another by taking away his life. Also deep suffering for his family…yet I am not innocent, in anger it is easy to commit murder in ones heart….I have done it and received God’s mercy and healing compassion. How dare I not show to another? If God exist, and Jesus has risen (which he has), then the extending of mercy is my vocation…in giving we receive.
My heart can be hard and brittle at times. It can want to be unforgiving and wants to seek revenge under the guise of justice. It is only by the grace of God that I want ‘another way’, a way that will stop cycles of pain and sorrow. We are called I believe, all of us, to be healers. Yet without the grace and love of God, no matter what our faith or lack of it, I doubt that is possible. When you see someone who loves and seeks true justice and mercy for others, it is God’s grace at work, even if unknown to the good soul who seeks to make this world a better and more humane place. I think the 25th chapter of Matthew verses 31-46 covers this. You judge a tree by it fruits.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
