I was talking to one of our retreatants a few months ago. She is very devout, loving and a caregiver. Yet when we talked she was really hard on herself, filled with revulsion and would not allow anything positive to be said of her. So as she was finished I asked her if she thought she was a humble person. She looked at me and though she did not say anything, I could tell that she thought that she was.
So I asked her. What do you think Jesus meant when he brought out that we should love ourselves? She did not respond but continued to look down at the floor. What did Jesus mean when he said we should die to ourselves? Again she looked down at the floor.
So I continued…self hatred and revulsion and contempt are not based on humility. For humility is based on the truth about ourselves and there is nothing deserving of hatred in you, nor do I see anything that would lead me to having feelings of revulsion or contempt towards you. When we hate ourselves, it is based on some idea that we can become perfect on our own, and that when we don’t, we fail ourselves. It has nothing to do with God or our relationship with him. It is not based on truth but is actually based on pride and self-centeredness.
She looked up and said “What?” So I continued: “Jesus is calling you to allow his love and grace to grow in your heart, until you do, you will continue this cycle of self-flagellation to continue leading nowhere. Be like Peter when he was in the storm after he got out of the boat…look to Him, not to your-self, for when Peter looked to him-self he began to sink…..yet when he called out the Lord lifted him up”.
She asked me: “What about my feelings towards myself’? So we talked about her learning to not believing everything she felt towards herself but to use scripture, to help her to depend more on the love of God and grace than on her own over concern about how she is doing. It will not be easy I said, death to ways of being, or to self takes time and patience and of course reliance on grace.
I told her that I was sorry if I seemed hard on her, but I felt that she was ready to hear what I had to say and hopefully she would grow in her trust of the love that Christ Jesus had for her. I also told her that I am speaking from own experience and struggles…both past and present. So we parted and I still think of her and pray for her.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
