(This was written several years ago)
Time goes by, the days filled with responsibilities and things to do that at times, something very important can be put on the back burner. I suppose for the last eight months or so I have done that with Aldo. He has now been in the nursing home for a year, or perhaps a little bit more, and I simply stopped dropping by to see how he was doing and to spend time with him. He has no family and I have known him for 35 years so he deserves better from me. I am not proud of that, it shows a deep insensitivity I can have towards others when it suits me. For I have no excuse since the home is near, and I pass it often. Laziness can be a obstacle many times to causing others pain, that can easily be ameliorated.
Pattie and Michael are very faithful towards Aldo; they are a caring and loving couple. They take care of his financial needs; make sure that what needs to be paid to the nursing home is transacted out of his Medicare check. He is allowed to keep a small amount for personal needs. They both make sure that he has enough changes in his clothing, and any other needs he asks for. They also intercede for him if any problems arise. Pattie is very good with detail and is an excellent administrator. Michael is very good in making sure that Aldo’s rights are respected, and will speak up if the need arises; they are a good team. So unlike me, they have been faithful all these long months.
So I decided to do something about it, and visited him yesterday. He is in a nice nursing home, which is also a rehabilitation hospital, for those who need to stay a short time to get their strength built up. It is clean, the food I hear is good, and Aldo after a hard beginning has learned to actually like it there. It has become familiar, a home of sorts.
As I entered his room, for two, both occupants were asleep. I was not sure if I should wake him, but I decided to, since Pattie has told me that he loves having visitors anytime during the day. I also at Pattie’s request brought him a small, regular hamburger, from McDonalds. So I woke him and when he opened his eyes his eyes lit up and he gave me the most beautiful smile. He sat up and gave me a big hug. It almost brought me to tears seeing how happy he was to see me, when I in fact have not been there for so many months. I showed him the hamburger and went and got a knife so I could cut it up for him; he has no teeth. So I got the knife, cut it up, and he ate it. He loves hamburgers, probably more than William does, and I could tell he enjoyed the one I brought him. When finished I took him out to the court yard for a chat. He was glad to get outside. We went around the square and he told me how much he loved the flowers that where growing there. There was a man there with his mother, and they seemed to be having a very good time talking and laughing. She was one of the lucky ones who had regular visits from her family.
We did not talk about much, it was not needed for we have known each other for so long, but he did ask how things were going with me and my work. I ask him if he was happy, and he said, he was a peace, though he would like to get out a little bit more. So we talked about that. Where I work, we have a wheel chair van, and it could be used for an outing, and told him that I would work on it. He also told me that Michael and Pattie where going to get him out also. Last Christmas he went to their house, and Pattie told me it was a very good experience for Aldo.
After about fifteen minutes outside I could tell Aldo was starting to get tired, so we went back inside. In the foyer I noticed an older man, most likely in his eighties sitting with a woman his age, or perhaps a little older. I stopped to chat for a bit and asked him how he was doing. He had a very gentle smile and said he was fine. He was here visiting his sister who was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s and really did not know much anymore. I could tell that he was at peace about that, but also loved his sister very much. For even though she did not know him, he still would come faithfully and simply set with her in silence and that seemed to be enough for him. I told him that she was still in there and perhaps more aware than she could manifest to him. So his visits were helping her. He smiled sadly and thanked me. I doubt he believed what I was saying, and perhaps he is right. However I have learned to act as if they could understand me, for some days there is more awareness than others.
There was also a resident who was going up and down the corridor singing, and doing it very well, it was haunting and beautiful, sort of like when William does his chanting or singing. Aldo as we passed by told her how pretty her singing was and she gave him a big smile and said: “yes I love to sing, it gives me joy”. Well I am sure because it was so beautiful it also gave joy to others.
We went into the TV room for awhile. Since it was near lunch time there were only three people there. Two residents and one other visitor, both of the residents, chair bound. One of them was very friendly and introduced herself as “Lena”, she had on a very colorful outfit, bright gold…….I guess she was probably in her late seventies or early eighties. She thought she was somewhere else waiting for a meeting to start. She talked to me like she knew me, and I guess she was reliving some past episode in her life. So I played along for a bit, until Aldo asked to taken back to his room.
I could tell he wanted to lie back down for about 45 minutes before lunch, so I helped him in bed. Before I left I apologized for not being more faithful in my visits and promised that I would do better in the future. Just before I left he asked me a question, one I think he was saving up to ask, perhaps because he was afraid of the answer. He asked me: “Mark, when will I be able to go back to my apartment”? I paused for a bit not sure what I should tell him. He seemed clear, so I decided to treat him like a adult, which he is, and a very strong one, for his life has been very difficult, yet he has survived a great deal. So I sat down, took his hands into mine, paused again and said: “Aldo, you had a stroke, your left side is very weak, you can’t take care of yourself and your are 73 years old. So the answer is you will be here for the long haul and I hope you can find peace with that”. He looked down, then when he looked up he was smiling, probably more for my benefit, for I know at times he really misses his apartment. “Being old is not easy Aldo, but I promise that I will not forget to visit you again, and Pattie and Michael will also remain faithful to you”. I think that helped him a bit. I felt kind of empty but also smiled, more for his benefit than mine; so we took care of each other in our smiles. I gave him a kiss on his forehead, hugged him and told him that I loved him and will be back soon.
At times I know I have deep sadness, and probably near tears more often than I am aware of, but I am so out of touch with certain emotions that others pick up and not me, when I am going through them. I do know that I left with a determination to visit this dear man, who has just a few friends who can relieve him from the deep loneliness that I am sure he goes through. I can’t help everyone, but the ones I can, I need to take more seriously.
I don’t think I ever do anything from a pure motive and if I have, well only God knows about it. I was taking care of myself just as much as I was Aldo when I visited him; which was predominant I have no idea. I am not sure it matters. The growth in compassion has to be worked on and the compulsive side of it has to be watched. In any case a kind of stretching is always needed. I am trying to stretch a bit, for self absorption is much easier state to move into than one that is based on compassion and empathy. Of course I am only speaking for myself, for I am sure I am far from the best in the area of reaching out to others. That is also ok, for growth is slow, grace works with my nature, which wobbles a bit more than others I think.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
