(written several years ago)
When I was young, many years ago, though it seems like yesterday; I thought I was in control, centered, strong and together. I don’t know how I thought this, it seems amazing that I could have been so callow, yet I was young after all. As the years pile up, so does my experience with myself, as well as with others, a lot of learning if the simple happenings of life are listened to. I am not sure I have learned all that much, but I guess like most people I have learned some things and most of it is not all that pleasant.
In years past I thought I was free, I still believe that, though the limits of that freedom seem to shrink as I grow older. My limits seem to stare me in the face daring me to overcome them, to fly instead of being chained, as I often experience myself as being, bound indeed by heavy inner chains, some of them I know are self imposed.
The older I get the less I understand, well I guess it is just my own irrationality that seems to cause me confusion and pain. How there is so much in me that seems to not want to move forward, as if my inner prison is my natural state, even if I at times struggle to find some release from my inner bondage, yet have not yet done that. It is like the light in which I can see within only shows my own inner chaos, many voices competing against each other, though most I have learned not to listen to. Tapes really, round and round they go, so I either don’t listen, are at times I can simply dissolve them temporarily, though they never really go away.
I suppose one good thing about this is that I am not shocked by what goes on inside me; pain, yes I can feel that, yet slowly I am learning to come to some self acceptance, though not surrender about my own inner life; deep, rich, conflicted, seeking, bottomless it seems to me. It can be a struggle just to be a decent human being, at least on the surface.
Seeing what I am like in my inward reality, I am not surprised about what is going on in the world, it is just a mirror reflection of my own inner wars and revolutions that seem never to stop. I have no doubt that there are those who live peaceful inner lives, who are far ahead of me in my own inward path towards the light and I look up to them, hopefully one day I will reach the place where they are now, but it seems a long way off.
I seem to often be a bundle of compulsions and habits, and if I am not careful, I can go the whole day without a single thought in my head, just tapes and reactions and a heavy inertia that can weigh me down and make it impossible at times to even want to move forward, though I do cry out to God for help.
Yet I do not despair, for mercy is shown me, as it is all others who have to traverse this world, for we all have long weary journeys to make, seeking often that which does not satisfy, for once something is owned, bought, or accomplished it seems to hold our attention for a very short time; for desire is about something one wants not already has. I think I want something that I can have a relationship with but can never be owned, or fully understood, something wild, well yes the transcendent. It seems we are put into a world in which we are constantly in a state of seeking, desiring and thirsting, which always seem just around the corner or over the horizon.
I often think that I am a complete fake in my own spiritual path, yet what is mirrored back from those I love is something different. I honestly don’t know what to believe. I suppose when Jesus tells us not to judge, he also means we are not to judge ourselves. We need others to reflect back to us, both by how we judge them; also how they respond and judge us. Both friends and enemies are needed on our path, for without them we can either become inflated, or we sink deflated, both are illusions My love of self is not very deep, so it is the love that grace endows that carries me, it is needed on the path, for my love in limited, God’s is infinite, though it can be experienced as the exact opposite, or even non-existent to many. Yes the path for all I think is dark, though perhaps there are exceptions, and I am not one of them. It is better to let go of thoughts and beliefs about God than to cling to them, for it only increases the pain when they have to be dismantled.
Many have the mistaken notion that leading a God centered life will bring only peace and joy, yet often the opposite is what happens. There are a great many inner obstacles that are unconscious, unknown, that trip the seeker, that have to be brought up to the conscious mind if they can be disarmed. So the paradox is, conflict can increase, the understanding of ones lack of freedom has to be faced, responsibility taken, and to top it off, self hatred and contempt have to be seen, felt, accepted and healed, though the process is slow. Healing involves conflict, for nothing real can be accomplished unless it is worked though and not ran from. Jesus came to save the whole man, so healing goes deep, and takes time. Humility is truth, it can bring only freedom in the end, and the freedom from fear. For once the love of God is understood, fear begins to recede, though again growth for most people, I being a prime example, is very slow. Spotty actually most of the time, but because it is grace, in the end that leads us, even if hidden, the light of freedom slowly dawns as we all continue in our pilgrimage through life.
Yet even if hidden, joy is there. Joy is not an emotion, for they are smoke, they come and go often in rapid succession, both the pleasant and the painful. So what is joy? Well perhaps it is that which keeps us moving forward even in the midst of failure and apparent despair, perhaps that is what feeds hope; joy that is there but still unseen and felt. Perhaps joy is the very path we trod, though again the path often hidden.
I think anyone, no matter what their belief or lack thereof, when they seek to grow as a human being, to seek to love and be just, to reach out to others, will experience conflict. The road to freedom, or perhaps to a greater freedom is difficult. The only ones who don’t have conflict in their inner world, or those whose will is one with God’s, so they walk in true freedom of the children of God. Others, who have given themselves over to evil, which is perceived as a good, they have no conflict, they to are at peace, though it is of a different genus than those who follow the path of light. One leads to unity with others, the other leads to preying on others, chaos, disintegration. In the end, we all have a choice and only God truly knows who makes which one.
Will be manifest
Self knowledge brings on true freedom.
though the soul often bleeds and the heart screams out its despair,
still
the journey continues,
for below in the inner darkness grace is at work,
hidden,
for an idol cannot be made of the infinite for they must all be destroyed,
also,
our false sense of freedom and goodness is stripped away,
so that something deeper
truer
will surface,
for the fire of divine love will burn away all that is false,
until our true self which is our name that only God knows,
will be manifest
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
