I of course can only speak from my experience when it comes to prayer, but I believe that the inner life as we age takes on a new dimension that is unknown by most people before they reach what we called ‘old age’. People who have a chronic disease from a young age or of course an exception in many cases, as can be seen in the numerous stories about the journey of children and young adults with their struggle.
I believe that one reason old age is often feared is because many illusions are taken away from us which can often be frightening, at least in the beginning. My first thirty years flowed by slowly compared to how I experience time now. When in my twenties, when I looked at older people, I sensed that they were at a place I was not at, and to tell you the truth on an emotional level, I never expected to become ‘one of them’. I was strong, in control, or so I thought but who I am now and who I was then is vastly different. It is not because of anything I have done on my own, it is just life, and it hones us, taking away what is no longer necessary for our journey. As we age, it is learned (hopefully) that the word ‘pilgrim’ actually does pertain to us. We are in movement, never really finding a place of rest, for we are on a journey toward what we don’t know. Yet we long for something deeper that all the years we have lived have only deepened that thirst.
We are called, all of us, though it is often not thought about by many, to make an inner journey, an often painful harrowing one. We experience life on two levels. On a communal one and then most importantly, on a subjective level which can help us to grow, or make us prisoners to our limiting subjectivity. Or what I like to say our “personal infallibility”.
We often forget that our spiritual life is what feeds our relationship with the world around us. Christians are called to know themselves. The whole splinter in the eye of my neighbor and the log in mine cover that pretty clearly for me. To not judge also points to the reality of how we project our hidden aspects of ourselves and like a movie it is projected on those around us. The less we know ourselves the more we will fight, hate and belittle others……when it fact it is fed by our own self loathing and hatred. So to love our neighbor as ourselves takes on a whole different meaning if pondered.
To be forgiven of sin, of an actual act that was caused by our will, something strong and free, is not magic. Just join a 12 step program if you want to know what purgatory is. We are forgiven, yet the habits are still three, the self wounding still festers and our need to make amends is also needed…..all or forms of purification. To be forgiven, to convert, to allow the grace of God to do its work is a dance, a difficult one, that only becomes easier as we grow in the love and grace and healing bestow on us by grace. The gift of mercy is free, yet the healing takes time and yes the willingness to be open the healing fire of the Holy Spirit.
the short of it
time flies,
days rush by,
years are a blur,
you can’t hold on to a second,
take nothing for granted
for life turnes on a dime;
so live,
love,
listen,
it will be worth it,
all else is dross worthless in the end
for what we take with us
is love,
all else is burned away.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
