It takes a long time to become fully human
A great source of suffering for me is that I often feel chained and anchored in ways of being that keep me from being fully human. That may sound silly, for of course I am human. However we are not instinct bound creatures. We have the potential to either becoming loving or unloving. I believe that humans are the only creatures that are known who have deep moral dilemmas that arise from some inner compass which points to what is right and what is wrong. It is often easier to move towards self destruction than towards wholeness and healing, which points to some inner wound, that we as a species seem to live with and pass it on from one generation to the next…..getting worse as the centuries pass. It is not all bleak because the seeking after wholeness is also apparent and has a salutary affect on our world. What is lived out in our cultures is a mirror image of the inner ‘war’ that goes on in each soul.
I have been spared from the major addictions. Those ways of self-medication that only lead to deeper pain and chaos and even death of both body and soul. However I am aware of other so called minor addictions (which is a misnomer, no addiction is minor) that can be equally harmful; it is just that the social ramifications are less. Addictions are ‘gods’. Trust is placed in them to make our life better, or to lessen pain, but they never deliver, yet we continue…..that is the nature of addictions, even the so called minor ones.
One of my great struggles is with food. It is not that I eat all the time, or think of food constantly, yet when I am stressed, anxious or bored, it is food that I turn to if I am not conscious of what I am doing. What happens is that I see something that I like, and I get the impression that if I eat this, then things will be better. However it never works out that way. So over the past few years I gained a lot of weight. Which is bad for my health and has the potential of shortening my life, or putting me in a position were I will have to be taken care of sooner rather than later. Over eating is self destructive behavior, yet I struggle not to persist. I seek the easy way out in dealing with my inner pain and conflicts. It is fear of life, which is often stressful even in the most peaceful surroundings’.
I went to my doctor and got a good talking to over my weight, letting me know that I have the seeds of some potentially serious health issues if I continue to gain weight. I took it, deserved it and thanked him. I also blamed it on the cinnamon rolls; they are evil, as well as french-fries. In any case it made me think. Here I am almost 68 years old. So my future in this world is getting shorter each day. I want to be of service to the community and others as long as possible, so that helped me to do better with my eating. Though it is still a struggle; for each day I have to turn this over to God, live in the moment and when I feel hungry I have to ask myself “do I need this, am I really hungry?” It helps to do this. I will also wait an hour, and often the hunger goes away. What helps the most is to feel inner emptiness, which is one factor in my overeating I believe.
I have found the more time I give to prayer and seeking after my soul’s true longing, the less food is an issue. What is difficult is being at peace with the reality that I am just at the beginning of my journey into become more fully human. Christ Jesus shows me what that means. In that he forgave all who abandoned, betrayed, mocked, lied and who tortured and killed him. I am nowhere near that, yet Christ Jesus calls me to let him in my heart at ever deeper levels.
The less I seek the Lord the more I worry about how good I am. The more I seek the Lord, the less I worry about my own perfection and the more I seek and long for His life in my heart and soul. With the Lord I can embrace my inner struggles, hold close my inner fragmentation and not worry about it, but seek to live out what I am commanded to do. To love the Lord with my whole being, and my neighbor as myself….that is enough, with that I don’t have much time to really get to upset over my need for healing and grace but to simply open myself up to it. I am loved by God, we all are, there is nothing to fear for all is known anyway…..we are naked before God, no hiding; we are seen in our totality and loved. Because of that love, God is merciless in pruning all that keeps us from the Divine eternal embrace, where all of our deepest longings are healed and fulfilled.
I believe that I am very average, so in that knowledge the Lord is leading me slowly to have compassion and empathy for all who struggle….my brothers and sister in the Lord. When I pray I feel an oneness with all, and hold them in my heart before the Lord….in prayer we open up our hearts to Infinite Love, to grace, and in that we are shown mercy and given healing. So am I a sinner….yes…..am I a mess…..yes…..am I anxious and a fuss budget at time…..yes…..do I fail in love and compassion….yes….I fail in all things…..yet I trust in God’s love and mercy, for God is greater than all of our hearts.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
