Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.—Ps 16: 1-2
One way of learning about oneself on a deeper level, is to pay attention to the stream of conscious thoughts that goes through the mind just before coming to full awareness in the morning. When this becomes a regular practice, the understanding of how primitive instincts and impulses are still very powerful becomes obvious. It is good to know what they are. If not, they may come exploding out when least expected.
I believe that ‘war-like’ attributes’ are more present than many people will fill comfortable with. Yet to understand the contents of one’s unconscious, even if it is only a small tip of a very large iceberg, will still be helpful.
This morning, as I was waking up a scene came up from my younger days and it was not very pleasant. When I came to full awareness I felt disturbed and shaken by the power of the experience. Yet I knew from past occurrences there is nothing to fear, but lots to pray over and to integrate into my seeking to allow the Spirit of the Lord to take deeper hold of my heart.
As I was getting the coffee ready for the retreatants, the thought came to me how important each moment is, for they come only once and then most of them drop into oblivion someplace in our vast inner world. Still there but hidden from conscious awareness. Even though in the mornings I do pretty much the same routine, it is not an excuse to act like a robot and lose the joy of being present to whatever I am doing. For some reason, it was very strong, this intuition of the importance of even our most mundane actions. Time is precious even though I can kid myself that I have plenty of time left…..which as I age is getting more and more difficult to do. I am very aware of how fast the days go by and soon, no matter if in 20 years, I will be getting off the ‘life-train’ and moving on to something ‘other’.
Self-acceptance is important, though presumption I believe, is dangerous. In prayer, I learn of the loving presence of the “Other’, the ‘Infinite’, beyond comprehension, yet revealed in Jesus Christ and in that is my hope that I will not be swallowed up by my often chaotic fragmented inner world. In the end, it is always love that leads to healing. True love… a love stronger than death, which in the end is the only real love….the love manifested in Jesus Christ who overcame death for love of us all of us; shows each one of us that love.
This morning during ‘Vigils’ we chanted Psalm 16 and the first verse jumped out at me:“Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.—Ps 16: 1-2”.
I have learned that all that is good in me is because of the healing that comes through my relationship with Jesus Christ. What I give that is mine is my deep inner conflicts and self-destructive desires that seek to block me from trusting in the Lord’s compassion and love.
In prayer grace leads me to trust and to cling to the Lord’s mercy and compassion…..in that am I healed. A pure gift is our salvation, which draws us deeper into the mystery of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
