Self-knowledge and humility go hand in hand and necessary if one’s prayer is to take fruit. Putting on the ‘Mind of Christ’ can be at times arduous, yet it also leads to great joy. People who take their relationship with God seriously know that when speaking of prayer it has different shades of meaning. Prayer if truly an opening of one’s heart and mind to God and not something used as a stop-gap in one’s life when problems occur, will find that the journey is not something expected when starting off. Slowly for most, there is a going deeper into one’s soul, allowing God’s grace to show us what is beneath each layer. We seem to have so many layers that it is a life long journey. The outside of an onion is a good example of how gently and patiently the Lord will pull back one thin layer at a time, or if it can be handled, the healing knife of the Holy Spirit can bring out deeper aspects of our inner lives that can cause us pain, shame and a need to understand how the trust of God is actually developed. We trust when we want to flee from the light of God’s scrutiny that we have become aware of. However, it is the beginning, that our hard protective outer skin that can be the most difficult part of the journey, even if not the most painful.
If a man or woman on their journey towards God starts desiring to become more loving, patient and less judgmental of others, is a desire and prayer that God will readily answer. Though it is the Spirit of God that brings this desire to light and the grace of humility and fortitude is given according to one’s ability to embrace the journey.
In prayer, we can find that what we thought was once a light matter now becomes serious. If we wish to become more loving, it can quickly be seen just how unloving we can be, cruel even. To do the loving thing takes a great deal of self-knowledge as well as discipline when we seek to follow Christ Jesus more fully. We need deep roots in Christ Jesus, because of the inner storms and tempest that will occur.
We can discover issues of anger that in the past were repressed but were experienced by those around us. Slowly our issues with our inability on our own to forgive others are also brought to light. In prayer, as we get closer to Christ, we can feel that we are getting worse, but in reality, we are merely seeing what has always been there, but hidden from our fragile egos. We get what we need, and on our journey towards union with God as well as with others, self-knowledge is imperative. Without it we are not much use to others or to ourselves when it comes to sharing our faith and being a healing presence for others. We merely place on those around us our hidden ‘selves’ that we fear and instead of embracing our inner fragmentation we place it on others and fight them. We can become narrow, bitter and cynical, which is often a symptom of inner suffering and fear of facing ourselves and allow aspects of our egos to die…..a real death, which cannot be underestimated.
Over time, as trust in God grows, a choice we make over and over again, we stop ‘shoulding’ ourselves. I should not be angry, or lustful, jealous etc., and simply look at it, embrace it and bring it in prayer to the Lord.
It is when we do that, when we understand that our spiritual community is with those ‘others’, those outside, on the fringe, that we come to the understanding that there are no ‘others’, there is only ‘us’. It is then that our prayer lives take on a new life, a depth that was missing before. We stop judging and leave that up to God. When we speak, we do so with gentleness but yet share the truth. We are also open when others wish to share ‘truth’ with us.
We truly come to understand what our ‘priesthood’ is all about. When we pray we join Christ Jesus in his prayer before the Father. We come to understand that just as we received mercy, so that same mercy is offered to others. In the weak we see ourselves, in those who have fallen we understand, for we all fall, with those with addictions, we understand that we also may have ways of dealing with reality, that is just as destructive, but more socially acceptable.
Through experience, we see that at a certain depth in our souls, there are sins and wounds only God can heal. That sin is not just personal, but something that we are often imprisoned by from past experiences. Our anger, our hatreds, our struggles can be as such a depth, with roots far back in our past, that only the Lord can heal over time. We just need to learn trust and abandonment. Not easy, but choices are free, fears and reactions are not…..they are cells that we lock ourselves up in….only the grace of God is the key…..that grace can be experienced in a myriad of ways, all we have to do is have the eyes to see and the heart healed enough to embrace. In that we embrace all others, for to Love God with our whole hearts, minds, and spirit, is to love ourselves which leads to love of others. This trinity of relationships is, in reality, one relationship with the Father of all as revealed through Jesus Christ, in and through the Holy Spirit.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
