Community life and my own inner life
I have often wondered what it would be like to simply live by myself. Go to work, then after work spend time by myself reading and thinking and maybe writing. What would it be like if I had no one to challenge me in my thoughts? I guess there would be a certain type of peace and quiet which I would enjoy. I would answer to no one, except God I suppose if I lived some sort of deep inner life. Yet there would be no one around me to take me to task about my thoughts or ideas. I for all practical purposes, as far as my life goes, would be infallible. I have reasons for all my opinions and most of them would be honest I believe, at least as far as I am capable. However if I were to speak them with someone else it is then that I would be taken to task for some of what I took for granted and thought obvious to everyone.
I was taken to task at one of our Chapter meetings here at the Monastery. I gave my opinion, which I thought well thought out and reasonable not comprehending that perhaps there was an underlying arrogance to what I was saying. One of the brother whom I respect and is very upfront about his reactions challenged my on some of my ideas that I shared with the community. At first I did not get it and we sparred with each other over the issue. Because I respect him I listened as deeply as I was able (which was mostly likely not very deep) and then afterward thought about the encounter.
On Sunday afternoons the retreat-house is empty and quiet. As I was sitting in one of the rooms being still and seeking to have my inner silence match the outer, a certain idea came to the surface. I think I was being challenged about some of the statements I made at chapter. No so much about the truth of them for they were personal opinions only, but about the underlying motivations. I could sense some arrogance or perhaps a great deal of it in me as I relived the event. I began to understand that I was making a certain amount of judgments and in actuality; I thought I was speaking some sort of ‘truth’ that others did not see. Which I believe was a false assumption. I then begin to wonder if I actually thought I was more in touch with reality than the rest of the brothers….I had to say yes to my slight embarrassment. I was not really surprised at my tendency to do such things because I have been called on it before. It is often unconscious, but it can evoke resistance from others that I do not want or consciously intend….yet it is there. It brings to light the complex nature of communication.
Now if I lived by myself in community and did not participate, I would be trapped in a world that could alienate others and I would have no idea why that was so. Unless I allow others to shine a light on my inner world, it is then that I truly become secluded and alone and not even know it.
So even though I am the type of person that could live in a small apartment, with a simple job, and spend my spare time in study and writing and perhaps some soret of inner religious life, it would be truncated if I did not have others brothers and friends to challenge me on my tendency to fall into the trap of ‘personal infallibility’.
Community is needed, I need to be challenged and because I am a member of a community, I also need to challenge others…but with compassion knowing of my own tendency to be self-absorbed and too inward looking at times. People make me happy, when I am giving I feel more alive, though often tired. We are made to pour ourselves out for one another, not to control or manipulate. Unconscious manipulation can be the most dangerous, since it is easy to fool myself into the reasons why I am doing anything.
So to the brother who challenged me, thank you. Though I have no doubt I will need to be challenged many times on this issue over time. My ability to deceive myself seems to be extensive. In saying this, I am not being morbid, but seeking to grow in self understanding so as to be a better man for others, which I believe we are called to be.
Once a year we celebrate the feast of the Holy Trinity. It shows the inner life of God revealed as a harmonious community, an eternal giving, of building up and the overflow of the love is well “us”…by that I mean all of creation. So it is with humans, we also have an inner community of emotions, feelings and thoughts that are often at war. We are not self sufficient, we are called to union with each other and in that to draw ever deeper into the life of the Holy Trinity. The Holy Spirit is the infinite Love between the Father and the Son, we are all called to be filled with that Holy Spirit and in that to receive the greatest spiritual gift, that of Love.
Yes I know my take on the Trinity is clumsy and shallow, but I have an eternity to contemplate and learn.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
