Growing up in a big family has its ups and down, but overall I have no regrets about having so many brothers and sisters. Like most people I have had some early experiences that have made me deal with their outcome on my psyche, but in the end I can see, that over all it is for the best. It seems that our early experiences dictate in some way our spiritual path in life, what we have to deal with, the choices we make in order to face them or run from them, which of course makes us who we are, for good or ill.
Because of my experiences, especially the painful ones, I have had like everyone else, certain strengths and gifts that helped me to survive and grow, as well as also having to deal with the under side, moving back, and then going forward again, a dance of sorts I think. Two steps forward and three steps back, but in the end progress, though for many slow
I remember dreams that I have when very young, that probably started when I was about 4 years of age, maybe younger, but not sure. The dreams where for the most part ‘lucid’, I knew that I was dreaming, though I had no control over them, which changed for the most part when I got older. They pretty much started off the same. In the beginning there was music of some kind, then a green fog when come into the picture, then it would clear and I would find myself on a gravel path in the middle of a dark foggy forest, alone, afraid, knowing that something or someone was coming after me. I would have trouble running, all the while trying to force myself to wake up, for I could feel my eyelids trying to force themselves open. After awhile I would find my home, it was full of family, only adults; my mother, grandmother etc, and I would run to them for help, but all they would do is laugh at me, and I would then wake up with my covers all twisted up. Sometimes I would actually fall off of the bed.
One of the good things about having those kinds of dreams is that now I have the ability to remember them, and over my lifetime dreams have played an important part in many breakthroughs in my life. Without my early childhood experiences of my nightmares I may never have developed this ability or gift. By the way, the dreams, the nightmares, ended when I was 10 years old, after we moved out of the United States to go to Panama, Canal Zone. I think I understand why they ended, but won’t go into it here.
When young, say before I turned 12 or so, I was very quiet and withdrawn, and least compared to the way I am now. My inner world has always been very powerful, line that up with a very good imagination and you have someone who could probably spend their whole lives just looking inward, not a very healthy way to be, I would think.
What happened is that one day I overheard my brother tell my Mother after she questioned him about him not wanting to play we me, telling her that I was a weird. As I listened, not letting them know that I overheard what was said, I made a decision to act differently, since it was not working for me, the way I was; so I changed. Not sure how I would have turned out if I did not have a brother to allow this pivotal moment to happen for me. It was a very painful event, but in the long run a gift given to me by my brother, for being honest.
I joined the boy scouts, little league, and ROTC, though can’t say I enjoyed it, yet it helped me to become more outgoing. Also the simple wear and tear of relationships with my brothers, which at times where violent; well in the way it can be with brothers: we fought a lot, though we never really hurt one another….. and this was also a help. So yes being part of a large family, over all was good for me.
Being the third of 11 children, 10 still alive, one died at birth, has also been a boon in my life. I think growing up with lots of brothers and sisters gives one a heads up in understanding others, and also helps to have a more inclusive personality, one that finds it easier than perhaps most to accept others, and perhaps even to understand some when others can’t.
So I believe that the struggles we have when young leave wounds, but gifts are also developed that allow one to grow in a unique way. Of course some can’t deal with what happened, and that is part of the deep mystery of life. Perhaps their gift is to allow us to grow in understanding and compassion for them, instead of becoming harsh and judgmental; again well perhaps. Life in the end is a mystery, it is just I have chosen to believe big, that in the end despite it all, all things will really work out for the good. That is not the same as saying that I like the way the world is, but I am after all a part of it, helping or hindering it progress.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
