At times I get weary about who and what I am,
what we are as a species,
how we need to struggle to just be rational,
yet often controlled by our deep sub-conscious,
lip surface to a path chosen,
yet in reality
often
possibly forced by inner forces
to act otherwise,
yet the will remains
the desire to do better alive
though failure is often the fruit of striving,
both
for the individual and the collective.
Yet we are free
how much perhaps less than we think,
yet more than some actually believe,
so perhaps at times feeling a little despair of the situation
is understandable;
I hate it when I get in one of my dark moods about humanity
for in reality it is about me,
my own irrationality and yes evil
so easy turned aside,
yet
what is it that keeps me,
us,
the human species going?
I often wonder without my faith what would I be?
perhaps the worst of nihilist,
one who drinks despair like others down a beer
in long thirsty gulps,
embracing the void in some surrender to a obscene political agenda,
the false belief
that somehow we can overcome our biology,
the instincts the propel us forward day by day into acts of evil and horror;
at time I barely hold on with faith
yet
it does sustain me
knowing that truly we are loved
for perhaps God loves the outcast for the very reason
that we are in fact that,
outcast.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
