She called me early in the morning, asking if we could talk, she is a very good friend, so I had no problem setting a time; I arrived on time, we got coffee, sat down, and she began to speak. She has a very good friend, a generation older, a very good man,
they are close, both friends, also he is like a father to her and she like a daughter to him, so the relationship is rich and rewarding, healing for both.
He is ill and she is worried about his health, which of course is worsening, so death will not be long in coming, perhaps months, but in a few short years, of that there is no doubt.
He worries about her, being alone, working too hard, she has health problems also,
so he can lose sleep in his concern for her. As she talked about him, his health,
his mental state, for he is afraid that he is becoming senile, and shares that with her.
She cries easily and when crying she seemed like a young girl, crying over being left,
I guess abandoned, a common experience for small children, perhaps we all have at,
just in different degrees.
Her life has not been easy, yet she overcomes, but has no idea how good and strong
she is, nor how well she has done, how deep her faith in God has matured, nor perhaps how remarkable her healing. For she has never become bitter, but always faced her fears, slowly growing in her trust in God; Which in the beginning she had trouble with but has grown into a deep abiding faith.
Her friend is starting to talk about death, how he is at peace about it; he is a peace with God. He also told her about an experience he had. He does not remember his dreams, yet when he was at the clinic, he said that he seemed to leave his body, this scared her. So we talked, and I said; “you know he does not dream, so an experience like that, for him is profound, perhaps it is a way God is preparing him for death”? I asked her to please pray, write, and prepare herself for his death, also for the abandonment issues she has with her own father. For I told her; when you were talking, you face took on the aspect of a five or six year old girl”. You will have to face this when your dear friend dies.
“When I started my conscious search for God”, she told me, “I would have this picture of God, holding out his hand, saying trust me, and I would say no, over and over again, then slowly I began to trust”. It is a beautiful story, one of growth and life, yet the journey hard, for God journeys with us, helps us, yet we must drink our own chalice to the bottom, such a mystery is suffering.
As I listened, I realized that she has no idea how far along she is, how close she is to God. People have funny ideas about what it means to be holy, when in fact, it is the ability to face life, the courage to move forward, when one is fully alive that holiness flowers, for in Him we move and have our being, yes God is life itself. Yes she is holy and I am in awe of her and she has no idea how blessed she is, well perhaps she does.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
