I would suppose you could say that I have a built in mistrust of emotions,
not of feelings since they can be rational, making judgments,
on how things simply feel to the one experiencing them.
Emotions on the other hand or a different matter all together,
at least for me they seem to be;
like vapor they arise,
and then soon gone to be replace by another and then another.
When listening to music or perhaps watching a movie,
I like most of my brothers and sisters around the world
experience emotions powerful arise in me causing my heart to ache,
or even the beginning of tears, something very difficult for me to allow,
then when the song or movie or scene is finished they are gone,
where they go I have no idea, perhaps inside, or they just die,
I have no idea.
Are they real, do they really mean anything, should I trust them,
do they really tell me anything truthful about myself,
if they do, why is it I do not feel them more often?
It seems that I have to set myself up to be caught unawares,
yes kind of paradoxical isn’t it, setting a trap for myself,
then allowing myself to be caught by my emotions,
though they are not in themselves a trap,
for a short time I feel a little lighter,
more free perhaps.
Everything in me is in compartments,
emotions only let out I suppose when I feel safe,
when I am by myself, listening or watching, oh yes and of course reading.
I over think everything I guess, ask constant questions, can’t seem to stop,
my mind whirls on its own, though I can stop it when I want, I just sit,
or finger my beads and focus, and I find peace, yet I love to spin, my mind
whirling and dancing from one topic then another, why is this so?
Again perhaps I ask too many questions and don’t just let things be,
why this, and then why that, this feeling or new thought, why, why, why.
Perhaps I need to just stop that, maybe I am getting too old for that,
who knows, I wonder why that is so?
Oh well I will sleep when I am dead.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
