Strange thoughts

For the last three months or so I have been having a strange kind headache.  It is a pressure felt right at the top of my head.  Sometimes there is a little pain around the edges, still on the top but a little further off from the pressure point.  In years past, in that same area, I would also get a quick pain, it felt like someone had put an ice pick through my skull, and then it would pass.  Now this seems to have moved on to something different.  Because of this, I tend to think whatever it is, is not serious, just another ‘bother’, of which seem to pile up as I get older. 

I was going to just wait and see (as stupid as that sounds, or is), but Rose would not let that happen.  So I called the VA at the East Point clinic in South Atlanta and got an appointment.  So I went, saw the Doctor, who is very good, I have no complaints with the VA, the one here in Atlanta is truly wonderful, at least my experience.  When I go I just make sure have lots of reading material, so no matter how long the wait, it goes pretty quickly.

The visit went well, I passed the different test, but even then the doctor wants me to have a CT scan of my pointed little head.  It is truly a strange place to be, waiting for an appointment to see if there is indeed a serious problem.  Even if I am almost sure there isn’t one, it can lead to thoughts mostly never entertained.

What if?  Could this be the time when the doctor has to set me down and give the bad news?  “You have only so long to live, we can try this or that, in the end you may live 5 years, if you don’t try anything kind of treatment, well you could die in 3 years.”  Yes a strange place to be.  But not uncommon, for in the end most of us will sicken of something that will lead to our death.

I look at things differently at least for now; not in the sense that I ‘know’ that I will die soon, but that one day a visit will most likely be the way that my curtain of denial will be ripped away and I will really have to face the reality of my temporality.  What then?  How will I react?  My scenarios tend to be of the sort that makes my ego preen itself……I can be such a silly rabbit at times.

I think when that moment comes; it will be one of deep fear and denial at least at first.  I will of course hear the words, but the truth of them may take some time to sink in.  What then?  I would think that it is a lonely land to be in, knowing that this world will soon be over, and the reality of ones doubts will raise to the surface.  Faith and doubt dance together, which one will lead, the other follow?  Being a man of faith, I hope it will be faith that does the leading, but who knows?  Perhaps my relationship with doubt will have to deepen, be faced and accepted, but then, will I doubt my doubt?  I think for many, that is what faith is, doubting doubt, for it can be easier not to believe, than to hope for what one cannot see.  Perhaps all of our belief systems are based on faith.  For the belief that science is the only way to find the truth, is not something that can be proven.  Science is about the world of objects, the depth of the heart, our deep inner longings, well that is for other avenues of knowledge; perhaps more important than science. 

It seems we can’t get away from questioning, seeking, no matter where we are on life’s journey.  That is what perhaps we are all made for.  I may doubt at times, but if I were an atheist, I think my doubts would be a lot more vehement, than they are now for me as one who seeks the eternal, and often feel myself really being the one perused.   So many paradoxes on the path, incidents to ponder, that make atheism seem like a possibility, but one that is unlikely, at least for me.

Proofs of God, in the end are personal, not scientific, for God is not an object among other objects, hence the impossibility of proving anything about its existence or non-existence.  For some atheism makes the most sense and I say, good for them.  We each must take a stand and move forward living lives flowing from our beliefs.  Though failure is also part of the journey, everyone’s; at least from my experience.  To date I have seen no exceptions. So when hypocrisy is flung at me, I say “yes of course, I fail, I am a sinner, and so my being a hypocrite at times should not surprise anyone, least of all me”.  Or when others fall, well, as the saying goes:  “there but for the grace of God go I”; is something well worth pondering. 

Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
September 20, 2008

Tagged as: death, Dohle, journey