Years ago I was talking to a friend of mine. Her name was Judy F. She is now gone, she died about 10 years ago. She was a little older than me and she would come out to see me about once a month. As a person goes she was very complex with lots of ‘issues’ that she worked on all of her life. She was intelligent but struggled with her emotions and some other disorders that needed some medication. In spite of that she had a good job, made a good living and had some friends who could up with her emotional ups and downs. Because she suffered so much, she was a little more self centered than most…..yet in spite of that she was a lovely person. I admired her never giving up as well as the depth of her faith. Perhaps one reason I love the 12 step program is that she used it to keep her head above water. It gave her a program as well as a community to work with. It does not matter that she was not ‘successful’, it was her striving and when needed, the ability to start over that was important. It takes courage to get up in front of a group and take that white chip.
One day she told me that she would love getting married and that it would make her happier and less lonely. As we talked I asked her to consider her married friends. If she really looked at it, she would find that marriage would not really be a help to her specific matrix of problems. Marriage may be in her future; however no one man will be able to heal her at the depth she needed to be healed. Also I conjectured; I would not be surprised if half of her friends envied her in her freedom. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence, when it fact it is all the same field. Same grace, same level of green, it is just the perspective of looking over the fence. When doing that there is a suspension of looking at ones own field etc.
When life is settled, even keeled and there are no worries about housing, food or a job, it is then that deeper issues come up. For Judy that was a life long journey because on many levels she was competent, always had enough money and friends. However because of that lack of worry, deeper needs came to the surface and caused her no amount of suffering. Though because she tried to deal with her issues, her suffering was much less than if it had full control over her life…..I believe her life was a success….she never gave up.
Br. Mark Dohle, OCSO
Holy Spirit Monastery
